Once again, it has been a while since I have posted on my blog. This blog is probably about to take a turn, more like a complete 180. So much has happened the last few months that it is hard for me to wrap my head around sometimes.
On July 18th, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl (we'll call her "AJ") I believe I wrote about the birth in my last blog. She is growing so fast, I can not believe that she is going to be 5 months old this month! She's so good tempered, always smiling, rarely cries, she's "talking" which is more like growling, but I definitely lucked out with this baby! It's a big change to have a little girl now, but I welcome the extra estrogen around the house (for now).
Deezy is as crazy as ever, he has created a whole new meaning to "terrible two's"! At the same time, I am enjoying this age with him, he's turning into a little man, and oh so much like his Daddy (in my eyes) although my mother has told me he's just like I was as a kid. I'm so proud of him, he can almost count to ten with no mistakes, potty trained, so smart and definitely a very boyish boy....he's also very stubborn, obnoxious, defiant, amongst other things...and unfortunately he makes those attributes look funny and cute, so it's hard not to laugh.
Gino is growing up so quickly, and so much happier without all of the drama from before. He is excelling in school, he was one of the only kids in his class to score a 100% on a spelling test (1st graders), he actually ENJOYS doing his homework, he is reading and writing, drawing amazingly detailed pictures, and is quickly turning into a little man. Girls are crazy over him, this little girl writes him a love letter every week telling him she wants to marry him, so happy he is not interested in girls yet!
"Right now, I have to admit, that I'm more interested in giving people a little bit of hope and goodness." ~ Aaron Eckhart
Onto the complete 180 that this blog is about to take...Before the adoption proceeding in August, Gino's Grandmother had sent a little package of things for him, so I took the opportunity to write her a letter about how Gino has been doing, updating her as well as sending her some pictures of him. She wrote a very kind letter back to me and we left it at that. August 20th comes along (the day before the adoption), and I went to check the PO Box that I pay for specifically for Gino's family members to write me and send him things...there in the mailbox was a letter to me form the "egg" donor. My heart skipped and I started panicking that she knew I was adopting him the next day and wanted to start some sort of drama, or show up at court. I open the envelope, and start reading, to my surprise it was a very sweet letter. She was thanking me for writing her mother, she sent a little money for Gino's school clothes and supplies and asked that maybe she be allowed to write as well. I sent her a very long letter back, telling her exactly how I felt about everything, that we knew that she was abusing her prescriptions and us "fighting" in court at nothing to do with whether or not she loved her son, it had to do with what was in his best interests. I then said I wanted to continue writing to let her know how he is doing and send pictures. This back and forth letter writing has been going on for a while now, and surprisingly we have worked through some issues. In one letter I asked if she could copy some baby pictures of Gino so we could have some here (my husbands mother so kindly would not give us his when we left). This week I received a package and two letters form her: inside the package was a album full of baby pictures (she of course through in one picture of her sitting on my husbands lap, I thought that one could have been left out). In the letters she wrote she asked if maybe we could text, that she knew it was a long shot but figured she would ask as well. She also said she wanted to help pay for the teeth he needs worked on. After thinking about it for a couple days, I decided "ok, I'll text her...the worst that could happen is that I would need to change my number." We have now exchanged numerous texts, and she actually has been thanking me over and over, she even went so far as to say that I am Gino's mom...that oddly enough meant a lot for her to admit it. My heart feels for her, even if my brain knows that I myself have already been down a similar road and was disappointed over and over. But, as a mother I thought to myself "how would I feel if my child was removed whether or not I had done anything wrong, how would I feel if another woman was raising my child"...I guess my heart won this time, Gino however has no interest in her, despite my efforts. Part of me is still so angry at her, for all of the heartache that she has caused my son, for all the pain she put my husband through, but another part of me just really feels bad for her and wants to give reaching out to her one chance, but I will keep my guard up. She has thanked me over and over for giving her hope and telling me how hard it has been to loose her "heart", I owe her nothing in a sense, but in another sense she gave me my first child, I am so grateful to her for that, so in another sense I feel I owe her something. I am not the most religious person you'd ever meet, but something she did write to me was very interesting and hit home for me, "You know how life has all these twists and sometimes things happen for reasons we have no idea why and your lucky if you ever find out why you had to go through that? You know what I mean like take your relationship with Gino how you are close and have a lot in common. Well, I had a thought that wouldnt it be something if I had to go through what I went through so that Gino could play a part in your life. You know how people are put in your life for a reason. God works through people. I look for ways to draw good from this horrible loss I have expierianced, maybe it was part of His plan. What if my little boy was put in your life because you needed his ray of sunshine saved you some how. Gino is pure love. It makes me feel good to think he helped you when you needed it. And now, your helping me. It sucks to be depressed. I am sad all the time. Things are finally changing. I hope this made sense?". It does make sense to me. I may not be very religious, but as you have read before, I do believe in Karma, what you give you get...and right now I feel like giving her hope.
Here's to a new and unexpected chapter in my life.
When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Success is almost dependent upon drive and persistance. The extra energy required to make another effort or try another approach is the secret of winning. ~ Denis Waitley
It has been a few months since my last post, and so much has happened since then! The case with Gino is coming to a close, finally. The egg donor's right's have been terminated officially, the only issue that we were coming across was that when her right's were terminated Gino was not surrendered to my husband AND me, just my husband. The woman that handle's scheduling and adoptions at the Court said that may be an issue and we may be required to notify the egg donor of the adoption and our lawyer agreed that may be the case-can you imagine...after ALL of this still having to have her notified and involved. We all know she would have tried to contest the adoption!
On July 24, 2012 I received a call from my attorney after 4 months of waiting; the adoption was approved with no need to notify the egg donor! Next week on August 21, 2012, Gino will officially be my son! Finally, we can have real stability and Gino and I can have our special Birthday together!! We plan on every year on August 21st to celebrate our birthday together! 6 years later, Gino can finally have stability, he can finally rest assured he wont be dragged in and out of visitation that he hated!
The next issue we would face is the rest of Gino's family and what to do IF they actually pursued wanting a relationship with him. First reaction as a parent who wants to protect my kid from any more crap and heart ache would be to say absolutely not and cut everyone out, but deeper down I know that THEY were not the ones with the addiction problem that put our son through so much. The egg donor has three sisters, one of which was a supervisor last year, as well as her mother and father. Gino's grandmother maybe 2 or 3 times sent something to him (which he ALWAYS received), Gino's Aunt who supervised was informed that no matter what we wanted her to be in his life-she has yet to be in his life (her choice) since her supervisor privileges were terminated. Another of her sister's is completely all talk about how much she cares-she never has called (she had access to BOTH of our numbers) only attempted talking crap via FB, and the other sister has never once attempted any sort of contact the entire 4 years that I have been involved. It's hard for me to think they care, when they have not shown they do: they constantly backed their sister who was the issue, verbally attacked both Andre and I, said they cared but never showed it, etc.
Around the time of Gino's birthday we received a package from Gino's maternal Grandmother. Some toys mostly used, cheap jammies, socks (clearly from the egg donor, smelled of smoke and she had sent him home in the same ones previously), some books, etc. At least she took the time to send something, there was however no card or note. She had in the past gotten in my face and told me I am NOT his mother, so my experience with her was negative (so was my husbands). I thought about it a lot, went back and forth in my mind and decided I would send her a card telling her how he is doing, sent a school picture, and had Gino write a Thank you note. I invited her to continue sending letters to him and that I would update her on him and have him send little letters here and there. She wrote back not too long later and said thank you along with a short note that was actually not malicious at all to my surprise, as well as a little note to Gino and a new swim trunks for him. I had Gino write another thank you for that. I have not sent it yet because I do have a long letter I am waiting to send her but am waiting until after the adoption is final. It's not mean at all, but in order for me to feel comfortable with these interactions I have to clear up the air between us. She has been misinformed for a long time and I feel I need to let her know, even if she still decides to believe the wrong information, at least I tried. For those of you who know me, I can't drop something I feel strongly about and if I believe in something I am relentless. I have kept the letter tasteful, it's not mean or cruel at all, just things on my mind that need to be said. If we can have a civil relationship for my son's sake that is what I want, and at that point maybe in time we can set up "visits" (that I will supervise). After this adoption takes place, I also plan on writing letters and sending pictures to the other members of the family that I have addresses for, purely so they know he is happy and healthy. I don't have it in me to be like my parents and continue visitation with the egg donor who has caused all of us (especially Gino) so much grief and heartache, but I have told him if he decides one day he wants to see her I will be more than willing to set something up between all of us-his response was an abrupt "I don't want to see her". Only time will tell if these decisions are the right decisions, but better to have Gino decide what he wants his relationships to be than to deny or force a relationship on him, that will only cause him to blame my husband and me regardless of our course of action.
"Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life that want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what."
~Unknown
"Only love can be divided endlessly, and still not diminish."
~Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Summer is coming to an end, time is flying by! Gino is going into first grade in a few weeks, it's hard to believe that he is growing up so quickly! Leave it to a newborn to make you realize how much your children have grown and how precious each day is with them! Deezy is forming practically full sentences now with his added humor that he acquired from his father, and attitude from me- apparently when I tell him NOT to do something the appropriate response from him is for him to bare his teeth and growl "Stop it Mama!"...it's really hard not to laugh at that...ah the joys of motherhood!
On July 24, 2012 I received a call from my attorney after 4 months of waiting; the adoption was approved with no need to notify the egg donor! Next week on August 21, 2012, Gino will officially be my son! Finally, we can have real stability and Gino and I can have our special Birthday together!! We plan on every year on August 21st to celebrate our birthday together! 6 years later, Gino can finally have stability, he can finally rest assured he wont be dragged in and out of visitation that he hated!
The next issue we would face is the rest of Gino's family and what to do IF they actually pursued wanting a relationship with him. First reaction as a parent who wants to protect my kid from any more crap and heart ache would be to say absolutely not and cut everyone out, but deeper down I know that THEY were not the ones with the addiction problem that put our son through so much. The egg donor has three sisters, one of which was a supervisor last year, as well as her mother and father. Gino's grandmother maybe 2 or 3 times sent something to him (which he ALWAYS received), Gino's Aunt who supervised was informed that no matter what we wanted her to be in his life-she has yet to be in his life (her choice) since her supervisor privileges were terminated. Another of her sister's is completely all talk about how much she cares-she never has called (she had access to BOTH of our numbers) only attempted talking crap via FB, and the other sister has never once attempted any sort of contact the entire 4 years that I have been involved. It's hard for me to think they care, when they have not shown they do: they constantly backed their sister who was the issue, verbally attacked both Andre and I, said they cared but never showed it, etc.
Around the time of Gino's birthday we received a package from Gino's maternal Grandmother. Some toys mostly used, cheap jammies, socks (clearly from the egg donor, smelled of smoke and she had sent him home in the same ones previously), some books, etc. At least she took the time to send something, there was however no card or note. She had in the past gotten in my face and told me I am NOT his mother, so my experience with her was negative (so was my husbands). I thought about it a lot, went back and forth in my mind and decided I would send her a card telling her how he is doing, sent a school picture, and had Gino write a Thank you note. I invited her to continue sending letters to him and that I would update her on him and have him send little letters here and there. She wrote back not too long later and said thank you along with a short note that was actually not malicious at all to my surprise, as well as a little note to Gino and a new swim trunks for him. I had Gino write another thank you for that. I have not sent it yet because I do have a long letter I am waiting to send her but am waiting until after the adoption is final. It's not mean at all, but in order for me to feel comfortable with these interactions I have to clear up the air between us. She has been misinformed for a long time and I feel I need to let her know, even if she still decides to believe the wrong information, at least I tried. For those of you who know me, I can't drop something I feel strongly about and if I believe in something I am relentless. I have kept the letter tasteful, it's not mean or cruel at all, just things on my mind that need to be said. If we can have a civil relationship for my son's sake that is what I want, and at that point maybe in time we can set up "visits" (that I will supervise). After this adoption takes place, I also plan on writing letters and sending pictures to the other members of the family that I have addresses for, purely so they know he is happy and healthy. I don't have it in me to be like my parents and continue visitation with the egg donor who has caused all of us (especially Gino) so much grief and heartache, but I have told him if he decides one day he wants to see her I will be more than willing to set something up between all of us-his response was an abrupt "I don't want to see her". Only time will tell if these decisions are the right decisions, but better to have Gino decide what he wants his relationships to be than to deny or force a relationship on him, that will only cause him to blame my husband and me regardless of our course of action.
"Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life that want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what."
~Unknown
Along with all of the new court business, we were expecting our third child which we found out was a baby girl! I've known since I was 14 what my daughter's name would be (for privacy sake we will call her A.J). On July 18th, 2012 (ON HER DUE DATE) my water broke around 6:30 in the morning-when I went into labor with Deezy, I didn't sleep the night before because of contractions and my water was broken at the hospital. WELL, to my surprise, (we all know the old wives tales about how to induce labor at home-"lovin" being one of those things we all know) the lovin' was successful, because at 6:30 in the morning I woke up needing to go to the bathroom, I stand up and start "leaking"-holy crap! "BABE!! BABE!! WAKE UP, my water just broke!!" he jumps out of bed and starts freaking out half asleep that we need to go to the hospital. The amount of water that was pouring out was hysterical and so was my husband's frantic reaction to the news. I am standing there, laughing hysterically, water is gushing out and I can't move because it would be all over the floor- my husband then scolds me saying "its not FUNNY BABE! WE have to go to the hospital!!!!!" my response was to continue laughing and say "will you hand me a friggin' towel then!!!" Every time I laughed water poured out, which made me laugh harder! Finally when that was under control we packed up and left for the hospital. After almost 2 hours of pushing, no episiotomy and no tearing, no shoulder dystocia- our daughter was born at 4:24 p.m, 9 lbs 1 oz and 20 3/4 in's long! Beautiful little girl who looked like me!! I was so lucky and thankful not only to have my amazing husband there for support but my mom (Mama T) and both of my sisters were there in the delivery room with me! I could not have asked for a better labor and delivery, and now we have a beautiful baby girl to show for it!! I thought our youngest son Deezy was going to have jealousy issues since he was still SO attached to me, but he actually didn't want me holding the baby because "it's my baby, mama!" Gino has of course been a great big bro and adjusted with no issues (maybe asking for a little more attention at times than before, but that's to be expected) and our crazy 2 year old has surprisingly responded well to the adjustment.
"Only love can be divided endlessly, and still not diminish."
~Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Summer is coming to an end, time is flying by! Gino is going into first grade in a few weeks, it's hard to believe that he is growing up so quickly! Leave it to a newborn to make you realize how much your children have grown and how precious each day is with them! Deezy is forming practically full sentences now with his added humor that he acquired from his father, and attitude from me- apparently when I tell him NOT to do something the appropriate response from him is for him to bare his teeth and growl "Stop it Mama!"...it's really hard not to laugh at that...ah the joys of motherhood!
"Before becoming a mother I had a hundred theories on how to bring
up children. Now I have seven children and only one theory: love
them, especially when they least deserves to be loved."
~Kate
Samperi
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
"Have patience. All things are difficult before they become easy." ~Saadi
It has been a long time once again since I have written a blog and SO much has gone on! The last blog I wrote was about the last court date, how ridiculous the egg donor is, in the end visitation had been suspended and the need for us to come up with $2500 to pay for an expert to prove our case on the egg donors sobriety. A few people came forward to offer their assistance with the expense of paying for an expert, friends of course and surprising members of our family and for that we are so grateful! This entire case has been nothing but panicking about one thing or another, our lawyer was a saint to take on this case for so little money, nothing was simple about this case.
We decided that our course of action was going to be cut throat and relentless (which it has always been, at least since I have gotten involved), if we didn't do everything possible (short of illegal things of course) Gino was the one who was going to continue suffering and there is only so much a child can take, no matter how resilient. The egg donor in a way seemed to have begun to show how little she really did care about Gino by saying she wasn't going to pursue visitation anymore, because any parent who truly did care as much as she led people to believe would have begged, borrowed and stole to pay for two visits a month. Instead, she stopped going to her drug tests, had stopped paying child support and was in the process of having her lawyer tell us she didn't want to pursue visits again and that she wanted the case dismissed. Our lawyer called with the good news and I'm sure most people would have been elated to hear the other party wanted to dismiss the case and stop visitation, but I knew better. I knew there was some ulterior motive that she had in mind and what came to my mind is that dismissing the case does not get us a judgement and does not stop her from doing what she has been doing. In fact, it would basically erase the entirety of the case up to this point making it very easy for her to come into court and get any type of visitation or custody she wanted. SO I promptly (after speaking to the hubby of course) informed our lawyer we would not be excepting that proposal and would continue to pursue termination of her parental rights because that was what was best for the little goofball I have come to consider my own. Our lawyer, again, is absolutely amazing for putting up with my constant emails and calls and relentlessness in not compromising with the egg donor. She understood what we were saying and agreed that it seemed with a little more pushing we could get her rights terminated.
Not long after all of that, I received a message from our lawyer saying she had some pretty big news and that I needed to call her. My heart jumped out of my throat as I returned the phone call. "She is surrendering her parental rights", holy shit I was speechless. The egg donor was going to the court as we spoke to surrender her parental rights and we would be getting the original in the mail. I was in awe, what would be next? Neither of us knew because we had not been in this type of situation. There was going to be at least one more court date for her attorney to withdraw from the case because he did not agree with this course of action and would not represent her if she did this. At that court date, the Judge said that if she didn't show up to the Trial then he would make a Judgment in our favor and the case would end (the egg donor said she would not be at the Trial).
February 14th comes around (Trial Date) and we all felt pretty good about that day because it was presumably going to be a walk in the park. Alas, nothing in this case is simple and this Judge is an absolute sexist shit head. He said since she did not come to court he was going to continue to another Trial date, basically giving her another chance. Apparently, since when this case opened in 2007 my husband did not file a response to the egg donors complaint, we could not get a judgement without the egg donor being there or filing a late response, MORE money down the drain. I couldn't believe it and our attorney was in shock. Of course the first thing that came to my mind is that this is more time for her to change her mind and renig her surrender of rights, after all her addiction issues were really bad from November (or December) to around March or April, and then she at least sobered up enough to decide she wanted to be a part of Gino's life again and drag us into court on yet another motion to reinstate visitation. So we filed what was necessary, which was a motion to ask the judge to allow a late response to the original complaint, which would get another date in April to finish the case. The date we received for the motion was March 16th and our attorney said there was no reason for us to be there at that date, she surrendered her rights so even though we had to mail her the newest court date we were not expecting her to be there.
March 16th roles around and we are all feeling good, a little irritated with the Judge but not expecting any more nonsense from the heroin circus. I didn't take Gino to school, my sister was visiting me so we were relaxing on the couch (it was gross out unfortunately) and my phone rings and it's our attorney. I answered the phone chipper expecting her to tell me what was decided on the motion. She stutters and says the "egg donor showed up with her boyfriend Justin, and she is saying that her attorney had lied about what she was signing and that she didn't want to terminate her rights, yadda yadda"...Can you imagine what it would feel like to have your heart ripped out of your chest and panic and anxiety to ravage your 6 month pregnant body that is already emotional from the extra estrogen that carrying a girl produces?! I hope none of you ever experience that, absolutely hands down the worst feeling in the world. I called our old case worker at DCF and spoke with her, she spoke with her attorney at DCF, I was texting our lawyer like crazy, I jumped on the computer and started researching revoking of surrenders, and was reading case after case trying to figure out what to do next. All I came up with was that the surrender states "THIS SURRENDER IS FINAL AND CAN NOT BE REVOKED", and that her lawyer had written a letter to our lawyer stating he was fired because he did not agree with her relinquishing her rights. Panic, Panic, Panic, Panic, tears. Thank God my sister was here for me because I would have been a complete wreck. Our attorney called and explained that she thought this Judge would allow her to revoke the surrender and that we need to think about what to do next, my response? We will do nothing except continue to pursue termination of her rights, there will be no agreement on a parenting schedule. There was a lot of banter back and forth where the egg donor said that if I agreed to allow her to see Gino once a month that she would allow me to adopt him, and then finally she said she would agree to uphold the surrender, blatantly high apparently and can't make up her mind. My attorney gets off the phone to go into the court room and plead our case to the Judge. Not 5 minutes later she calls me and says she is being called every name in the book by the egg donor because the Judge upheld the surrender and has told them to go into the hall and have the egg donor agree to a Judgement. In the end, she signed another surrender signed by the Judge (no getting out of this one) as well as a Judgement that stated she was an unfit mother, was not ever to contact Gino again, was not to pay child support, etc.
Holy shit again, the case is over, no trial, no more court dates for this docket. The case is over and now my petition for adoption of Gino can be filed! We can finally breath easy, no more circus, not more forcing a 5 year old to do something he doesn't want to do, no more damage from the egg donor!
Now what?! This case has consumed my life! I suppose I am supposed to sit back and "relax"...Meaning I am to continue being a chauffeur, a chef, a personal assistant, a "housekeeper", accountant, a surrogate (lol not really this baby is ours), a dog walker (we got a new puppy! Chocolate Lab we named Satchmo!), a Nanny, a nurse, a hair dresser, a listener to all things "tattle tale", a soccer mom (Gino starts soccer in the spring!), a mediator and therapist, etc. The list goes on!
We are happy to announce that we are expecting our third kiddo! And to our surprise we are having a little girl! Although, Gino wasn't surprised he knew from the beginning that this baby was a girl! It definitely feels odd to go into carters and not only buy little boys clothes, but dresses and leggings and pink and purple!
This pregnancy has been a little different than my pregnancy with Deezy, I am definitely more moody (thank you extra estrogen from a little girl), I am hungry more often, I get out of breath way more often, and I am carrying differently as well! I didn't show for the first 5-6 moths when I was pregnant with Deezy and the same has happened this time, having only a few months to go (I am due July 18th) I all of a sudden have a baby bump!
My curiosity often gets the best of me, I wonder who she will look like, I wonder if she will have hair on her ears like Deezy did when he was born, I pray she isn't as gigantic as Deezy was when he was born (I am 5 feet and 1 inch, and Deezy decided being 10 lbs and getting his shoulders stuck in my pelvis was a good idea), I know she is going to be feisty like her mama and that she will be a daddy's girl, and I know not to freak out because that will make her want to do things we don't want her to do...but I also know she has two older brother's to protect her and a father who is going to bare the burden of panic and over-protection.
I am blessed to have such amazing and supportive friends and family, two (almost 3) beautiful children, a hard working/sexy/loving/amazing husband, a life that most would be envious of, and a thirst for knowledge to allow me to learn about what I do not understand. I never would have thought that I would be as lucky as I am today, I've had to go through a lot to get where I am today and I never could have done it without this amazing man that chose me (even in my angry and crazy moments) to be his wife, mother of his children and the one to adopt his oldest.
We decided that our course of action was going to be cut throat and relentless (which it has always been, at least since I have gotten involved), if we didn't do everything possible (short of illegal things of course) Gino was the one who was going to continue suffering and there is only so much a child can take, no matter how resilient. The egg donor in a way seemed to have begun to show how little she really did care about Gino by saying she wasn't going to pursue visitation anymore, because any parent who truly did care as much as she led people to believe would have begged, borrowed and stole to pay for two visits a month. Instead, she stopped going to her drug tests, had stopped paying child support and was in the process of having her lawyer tell us she didn't want to pursue visits again and that she wanted the case dismissed. Our lawyer called with the good news and I'm sure most people would have been elated to hear the other party wanted to dismiss the case and stop visitation, but I knew better. I knew there was some ulterior motive that she had in mind and what came to my mind is that dismissing the case does not get us a judgement and does not stop her from doing what she has been doing. In fact, it would basically erase the entirety of the case up to this point making it very easy for her to come into court and get any type of visitation or custody she wanted. SO I promptly (after speaking to the hubby of course) informed our lawyer we would not be excepting that proposal and would continue to pursue termination of her parental rights because that was what was best for the little goofball I have come to consider my own. Our lawyer, again, is absolutely amazing for putting up with my constant emails and calls and relentlessness in not compromising with the egg donor. She understood what we were saying and agreed that it seemed with a little more pushing we could get her rights terminated.
Not long after all of that, I received a message from our lawyer saying she had some pretty big news and that I needed to call her. My heart jumped out of my throat as I returned the phone call. "She is surrendering her parental rights", holy shit I was speechless. The egg donor was going to the court as we spoke to surrender her parental rights and we would be getting the original in the mail. I was in awe, what would be next? Neither of us knew because we had not been in this type of situation. There was going to be at least one more court date for her attorney to withdraw from the case because he did not agree with this course of action and would not represent her if she did this. At that court date, the Judge said that if she didn't show up to the Trial then he would make a Judgment in our favor and the case would end (the egg donor said she would not be at the Trial).
February 14th comes around (Trial Date) and we all felt pretty good about that day because it was presumably going to be a walk in the park. Alas, nothing in this case is simple and this Judge is an absolute sexist shit head. He said since she did not come to court he was going to continue to another Trial date, basically giving her another chance. Apparently, since when this case opened in 2007 my husband did not file a response to the egg donors complaint, we could not get a judgement without the egg donor being there or filing a late response, MORE money down the drain. I couldn't believe it and our attorney was in shock. Of course the first thing that came to my mind is that this is more time for her to change her mind and renig her surrender of rights, after all her addiction issues were really bad from November (or December) to around March or April, and then she at least sobered up enough to decide she wanted to be a part of Gino's life again and drag us into court on yet another motion to reinstate visitation. So we filed what was necessary, which was a motion to ask the judge to allow a late response to the original complaint, which would get another date in April to finish the case. The date we received for the motion was March 16th and our attorney said there was no reason for us to be there at that date, she surrendered her rights so even though we had to mail her the newest court date we were not expecting her to be there.
March 16th roles around and we are all feeling good, a little irritated with the Judge but not expecting any more nonsense from the heroin circus. I didn't take Gino to school, my sister was visiting me so we were relaxing on the couch (it was gross out unfortunately) and my phone rings and it's our attorney. I answered the phone chipper expecting her to tell me what was decided on the motion. She stutters and says the "egg donor showed up with her boyfriend Justin, and she is saying that her attorney had lied about what she was signing and that she didn't want to terminate her rights, yadda yadda"...Can you imagine what it would feel like to have your heart ripped out of your chest and panic and anxiety to ravage your 6 month pregnant body that is already emotional from the extra estrogen that carrying a girl produces?! I hope none of you ever experience that, absolutely hands down the worst feeling in the world. I called our old case worker at DCF and spoke with her, she spoke with her attorney at DCF, I was texting our lawyer like crazy, I jumped on the computer and started researching revoking of surrenders, and was reading case after case trying to figure out what to do next. All I came up with was that the surrender states "THIS SURRENDER IS FINAL AND CAN NOT BE REVOKED", and that her lawyer had written a letter to our lawyer stating he was fired because he did not agree with her relinquishing her rights. Panic, Panic, Panic, Panic, tears. Thank God my sister was here for me because I would have been a complete wreck. Our attorney called and explained that she thought this Judge would allow her to revoke the surrender and that we need to think about what to do next, my response? We will do nothing except continue to pursue termination of her rights, there will be no agreement on a parenting schedule. There was a lot of banter back and forth where the egg donor said that if I agreed to allow her to see Gino once a month that she would allow me to adopt him, and then finally she said she would agree to uphold the surrender, blatantly high apparently and can't make up her mind. My attorney gets off the phone to go into the court room and plead our case to the Judge. Not 5 minutes later she calls me and says she is being called every name in the book by the egg donor because the Judge upheld the surrender and has told them to go into the hall and have the egg donor agree to a Judgement. In the end, she signed another surrender signed by the Judge (no getting out of this one) as well as a Judgement that stated she was an unfit mother, was not ever to contact Gino again, was not to pay child support, etc.
Holy shit again, the case is over, no trial, no more court dates for this docket. The case is over and now my petition for adoption of Gino can be filed! We can finally breath easy, no more circus, not more forcing a 5 year old to do something he doesn't want to do, no more damage from the egg donor!
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again: Don't give up too easily; persistence pays off in the end." ~Unknown
Now what?! This case has consumed my life! I suppose I am supposed to sit back and "relax"...Meaning I am to continue being a chauffeur, a chef, a personal assistant, a "housekeeper", accountant, a surrogate (lol not really this baby is ours), a dog walker (we got a new puppy! Chocolate Lab we named Satchmo!), a Nanny, a nurse, a hair dresser, a listener to all things "tattle tale", a soccer mom (Gino starts soccer in the spring!), a mediator and therapist, etc. The list goes on!
We are happy to announce that we are expecting our third kiddo! And to our surprise we are having a little girl! Although, Gino wasn't surprised he knew from the beginning that this baby was a girl! It definitely feels odd to go into carters and not only buy little boys clothes, but dresses and leggings and pink and purple!
This pregnancy has been a little different than my pregnancy with Deezy, I am definitely more moody (thank you extra estrogen from a little girl), I am hungry more often, I get out of breath way more often, and I am carrying differently as well! I didn't show for the first 5-6 moths when I was pregnant with Deezy and the same has happened this time, having only a few months to go (I am due July 18th) I all of a sudden have a baby bump!
My curiosity often gets the best of me, I wonder who she will look like, I wonder if she will have hair on her ears like Deezy did when he was born, I pray she isn't as gigantic as Deezy was when he was born (I am 5 feet and 1 inch, and Deezy decided being 10 lbs and getting his shoulders stuck in my pelvis was a good idea), I know she is going to be feisty like her mama and that she will be a daddy's girl, and I know not to freak out because that will make her want to do things we don't want her to do...but I also know she has two older brother's to protect her and a father who is going to bare the burden of panic and over-protection.
I am blessed to have such amazing and supportive friends and family, two (almost 3) beautiful children, a hard working/sexy/loving/amazing husband, a life that most would be envious of, and a thirst for knowledge to allow me to learn about what I do not understand. I never would have thought that I would be as lucky as I am today, I've had to go through a lot to get where I am today and I never could have done it without this amazing man that chose me (even in my angry and crazy moments) to be his wife, mother of his children and the one to adopt his oldest.
"In family life, love is the oil that eases friction, the cement that binds closer together, and the music that brings harmony."
~Eva Burrows
Monday, January 9, 2012
"Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn't have it and thought of other things if you did." ~James Baldwin
This quote is so true, when I found it I decided that was the exact quote I needed to start my newest post off with.
We had court on Friday, we had put an emergency motion in to suspend visitation. The whole morning, as usual, was ridiculous. Her lawyer is absolutely insane, and after doing a little research on him he isn't even a family law lawyer! We checked in and of course are nervous, the GAL was there and she was going to say what she saw (and at that point wanted to suggest a visitation center, not just suspending visitation) so of course we were nervous. The egg donor finds it necessary to prance back and forth wiggling like her "shit doesn't stink" (excuse the language) and like her boy shaped body with no hips, breasts or butt and ugly crater ridden face is really going to attract my husband who has a wife with a figure like mine (not to be cocky or anything) and is anything but unattractive compared to her. My husband shakes his head in disgust and admits he doesn't know what he was thinking other than he was 18 and she was 29 and always bought him liquor so he never was around her sober (this was back when he was still heavily drinking). She was wearing painted on black pants, and this huge white turtleneck sweater with her hair in a white scrunchy ( I haven't seen or worn one of those since I was probably Gino's age). While we were sitting in the court room after we signed in, it's hard not to look at her because she was to the right of us in the row in front of us, my husband nudged me and head nodded in her direction. Low and behold SHE IS FRIGGIN NODDING OUT IN THE COURT ROOM, she came to court FOR HER SON high! We get our lawyer's attention so she can see this happening and she went into the hallway and informed the GAL that was going on. You could see every time she nodded off her lawyer nudged her and tried to keep her awake (even thinking a crossword would help, I laughed when I saw she was attemping a crossword). Finally the case is called, and everyone is up there, you can still see her swaying back and forth having trouble staying alert while in front of the Judge (I was praying the judge would be observant and see that she was high in the court room) and you could see the GAL watching her, our lawyer presented our side and this friggin Judge says "well there is a supervisor why shouldn't their be visits if they are supervised", we told him the issues with the current supervisor and he sent us into the hall to figure out a new supervisor. The GAL spoke and to my surprise, said nothing about thinking that supervised visitation center should be used, she only said that she was high and it was concerning. She has relapsed so many times, that she has gone through every single one of her family member's supervising, as well as Andre and my husband's mother, she had the audacity (not actually making a suggestion just trying to really get under our skin) to suggest my husband's mother again, who we have no relationship with because while she was the supervisor previously, she made a visit run way long (while there was a restraining order that my husband had on the egg donor) and when we finally got Gino back, both his mother and the egg donor were high as kites in front of him, we took him and left, when we returned the egg donor was asleep on my HUSBAND'S couch, so we called the police because she was violating the restraining order. The next day his mother and the egg donor called the police and said that my husband was drunk, breaking things and abusing me (lol don't make laugh, my husband at this point had two months sober and was living with me and nothing was broken and there was no drinking going on at all, I was pregnant and he was sober) in front of Gino and they called DCF . It was just something she wanted to throw out there to try and piss us off, honestly our life has never been better with out my husband's mother's involvement my husband is a far better man without the manipulation, lies, drugs and drinking, so really it was just showing that she is just being vindictive. So the only thing we were going to agree on (even though we didn't want to) was going to be a supervision center. After an outburst from her yelling at all of the lawyers (GAL included) screaming at them to talk somewhere else because my husband and I were looking at her and laughing (when honestly we were looking to see if she was nodding out, and when she was it wasn't laughing it was complete astonishment), she told her lawyer she wouldn't (and couldn't) pay for a visitation center, and that she couldn't get off island. Our lawyer then promptly said I thought you said she had a job, her lawyer was stumbling over his words, he had no idea how to respond. The "job" she has as a personal assistant is to the well known sugar daddy of hers, PERSONAL assistant exactly, I'd like to see her come up with legal pay stubs. She also has her "fiance" who is paying for her legal fees and bills, there should be no reason she can't pay for 2 visits in a visitation center. Only two visits because it would be temporary until our trial date in early February. We know she can pay for it, we know she can get off island easily, we also know that visitation center's are insanely strict about your appearance and your sobriety, and we know she just wasn't willing to stay sober long enough to be in a visitation center. So in the end, she agreed to suspend her visitation, which I partially think is because she knows she is screwed and was too high to figure anything out.
We went back into the court room and informed the Judge of what had been decided, the Judge said we he would take everything in consideration and that visits would definitely be suspended and he would decided on everything else. As The GAL, lawyers, egg donor and my husband were leaving the bench, I got up to follow them out (the women in front of me smiled and said good luck, they also saw her nodding out and giving looks of death). I hear the egg donor scream excuse me, and the GAL was stumbling...I couldn't believe it but she smacked into the GAL coming close to knocking her over very deliberately, the GAL waited until she had left the building before she left because she was scared, if anything hopefully that works in our favor, her past history of assault is obviously anything but in the past.
We have the circumstantial evidence but no hard evidence that she is abusing her medication, the Judge asked if the expert we spoke to was here, and they were not. We showed the man packets upon packets of proof talking about all of the medications mixed, an article that said with prescriptions her ng/mL levels should be no higher than 1300 and hers were literally off the charts, one time her xanax came up as 9999 which means they can not quantify the amount that was in there it was so much. So now leaving court, we are hoping the Judge gives us the quantitative urine's we asked for as well as the 12 panel hair follicle we asked for, but as of now all that we know is definite is that visits are suspended at least until the trial date. We now are having to pay for an expert to prove our case that she is abusing her medications by reviewing her medical records and urine screens (hopefully the hair follicle). However, this expert is 500 an hour (we've searched for others but they are all just about as expensive) and want's 2500 up front, how the hell are we going to come up with this money, it's an insane amount to ask for but we know if it works out it would have been completely worth it. Now we are left trying to beg and borrow $2500 pretty much in the next week or two. If we don't get this expert, this woman is going to get visitation again, this expert is the only way we can prove she is abusing her medication.
I have written so many different organizations, so many father's rights groups to see if any of them would assist us, I wrote legal aid, I've been up hours upon hours trying to figure this out. And nothing, I even went to my mom (not really directly asking) for help, her response was they need to be fair to all of their children and have helped me with my student loans (my dad has paid interest on my loans maybe a month here or there in between deferment, if she want's to talk about fair, they have paid my sisters loans off in full, how about that for "fair"), I have never in my life asked them for money and this is why, it isn't even like I am asking for money for my husband and I, it's for my sons well being. I still can't be angry, it's not their responsibility to help, I am just growing increasingly frustrated. We are desperate, which neither of us like to say, especially my husband who has pride. He works from 7:30 in the morning to 7 at night, 6 days a week, he is a hard worker, he takes ASE tests monthly to get more money for his family (5 dollar raise in a year, he rocks), but we can not come up with this money, we are already forking out so much for a lawyer (which proudly we have paid for on our own), but we can not get this money. I have two friends who are trying to figure things out to help me, coming up with suggestions for money, and honestly just their emotional support is awesome. It's the worst feeling to need to help your child, and can't, keeps you on edge constantly, constantly I am trying to not get so frustrated I'll cry, their is tension growing because of it, I spend hours researching for our case, hours I should spend doing laundry or housework, but the more research I do the less we have to fork out for our awesome lawyer, who might I add is doing her part to help us financially she is not billing us until later so we can pay for this expert (but a week is not enough time to come up with 2500). So what do we do? Beg, borrow....steal? not my style, got in trouble when I was little and learned my lesson (now I'm terrified to do it again). What do you do when you need money for your child's best interest and time is not on your side? Where the hell are we coming up with $2500, There is no time to write Ellen DeGenerous and ask her for help (lol I love her) and doing something that public would probably come out NOT in our favor, especially if we have to explain why we need help.
We think the money for Gino is hands down most important.
We had court on Friday, we had put an emergency motion in to suspend visitation. The whole morning, as usual, was ridiculous. Her lawyer is absolutely insane, and after doing a little research on him he isn't even a family law lawyer! We checked in and of course are nervous, the GAL was there and she was going to say what she saw (and at that point wanted to suggest a visitation center, not just suspending visitation) so of course we were nervous. The egg donor finds it necessary to prance back and forth wiggling like her "shit doesn't stink" (excuse the language) and like her boy shaped body with no hips, breasts or butt and ugly crater ridden face is really going to attract my husband who has a wife with a figure like mine (not to be cocky or anything) and is anything but unattractive compared to her. My husband shakes his head in disgust and admits he doesn't know what he was thinking other than he was 18 and she was 29 and always bought him liquor so he never was around her sober (this was back when he was still heavily drinking). She was wearing painted on black pants, and this huge white turtleneck sweater with her hair in a white scrunchy ( I haven't seen or worn one of those since I was probably Gino's age). While we were sitting in the court room after we signed in, it's hard not to look at her because she was to the right of us in the row in front of us, my husband nudged me and head nodded in her direction. Low and behold SHE IS FRIGGIN NODDING OUT IN THE COURT ROOM, she came to court FOR HER SON high! We get our lawyer's attention so she can see this happening and she went into the hallway and informed the GAL that was going on. You could see every time she nodded off her lawyer nudged her and tried to keep her awake (even thinking a crossword would help, I laughed when I saw she was attemping a crossword). Finally the case is called, and everyone is up there, you can still see her swaying back and forth having trouble staying alert while in front of the Judge (I was praying the judge would be observant and see that she was high in the court room) and you could see the GAL watching her, our lawyer presented our side and this friggin Judge says "well there is a supervisor why shouldn't their be visits if they are supervised", we told him the issues with the current supervisor and he sent us into the hall to figure out a new supervisor. The GAL spoke and to my surprise, said nothing about thinking that supervised visitation center should be used, she only said that she was high and it was concerning. She has relapsed so many times, that she has gone through every single one of her family member's supervising, as well as Andre and my husband's mother, she had the audacity (not actually making a suggestion just trying to really get under our skin) to suggest my husband's mother again, who we have no relationship with because while she was the supervisor previously, she made a visit run way long (while there was a restraining order that my husband had on the egg donor) and when we finally got Gino back, both his mother and the egg donor were high as kites in front of him, we took him and left, when we returned the egg donor was asleep on my HUSBAND'S couch, so we called the police because she was violating the restraining order. The next day his mother and the egg donor called the police and said that my husband was drunk, breaking things and abusing me (lol don't make laugh, my husband at this point had two months sober and was living with me and nothing was broken and there was no drinking going on at all, I was pregnant and he was sober) in front of Gino and they called DCF . It was just something she wanted to throw out there to try and piss us off, honestly our life has never been better with out my husband's mother's involvement my husband is a far better man without the manipulation, lies, drugs and drinking, so really it was just showing that she is just being vindictive. So the only thing we were going to agree on (even though we didn't want to) was going to be a supervision center. After an outburst from her yelling at all of the lawyers (GAL included) screaming at them to talk somewhere else because my husband and I were looking at her and laughing (when honestly we were looking to see if she was nodding out, and when she was it wasn't laughing it was complete astonishment), she told her lawyer she wouldn't (and couldn't) pay for a visitation center, and that she couldn't get off island. Our lawyer then promptly said I thought you said she had a job, her lawyer was stumbling over his words, he had no idea how to respond. The "job" she has as a personal assistant is to the well known sugar daddy of hers, PERSONAL assistant exactly, I'd like to see her come up with legal pay stubs. She also has her "fiance" who is paying for her legal fees and bills, there should be no reason she can't pay for 2 visits in a visitation center. Only two visits because it would be temporary until our trial date in early February. We know she can pay for it, we know she can get off island easily, we also know that visitation center's are insanely strict about your appearance and your sobriety, and we know she just wasn't willing to stay sober long enough to be in a visitation center. So in the end, she agreed to suspend her visitation, which I partially think is because she knows she is screwed and was too high to figure anything out.
We went back into the court room and informed the Judge of what had been decided, the Judge said we he would take everything in consideration and that visits would definitely be suspended and he would decided on everything else. As The GAL, lawyers, egg donor and my husband were leaving the bench, I got up to follow them out (the women in front of me smiled and said good luck, they also saw her nodding out and giving looks of death). I hear the egg donor scream excuse me, and the GAL was stumbling...I couldn't believe it but she smacked into the GAL coming close to knocking her over very deliberately, the GAL waited until she had left the building before she left because she was scared, if anything hopefully that works in our favor, her past history of assault is obviously anything but in the past.
We have the circumstantial evidence but no hard evidence that she is abusing her medication, the Judge asked if the expert we spoke to was here, and they were not. We showed the man packets upon packets of proof talking about all of the medications mixed, an article that said with prescriptions her ng/mL levels should be no higher than 1300 and hers were literally off the charts, one time her xanax came up as 9999 which means they can not quantify the amount that was in there it was so much. So now leaving court, we are hoping the Judge gives us the quantitative urine's we asked for as well as the 12 panel hair follicle we asked for, but as of now all that we know is definite is that visits are suspended at least until the trial date. We now are having to pay for an expert to prove our case that she is abusing her medications by reviewing her medical records and urine screens (hopefully the hair follicle). However, this expert is 500 an hour (we've searched for others but they are all just about as expensive) and want's 2500 up front, how the hell are we going to come up with this money, it's an insane amount to ask for but we know if it works out it would have been completely worth it. Now we are left trying to beg and borrow $2500 pretty much in the next week or two. If we don't get this expert, this woman is going to get visitation again, this expert is the only way we can prove she is abusing her medication.
I have written so many different organizations, so many father's rights groups to see if any of them would assist us, I wrote legal aid, I've been up hours upon hours trying to figure this out. And nothing, I even went to my mom (not really directly asking) for help, her response was they need to be fair to all of their children and have helped me with my student loans (my dad has paid interest on my loans maybe a month here or there in between deferment, if she want's to talk about fair, they have paid my sisters loans off in full, how about that for "fair"), I have never in my life asked them for money and this is why, it isn't even like I am asking for money for my husband and I, it's for my sons well being. I still can't be angry, it's not their responsibility to help, I am just growing increasingly frustrated. We are desperate, which neither of us like to say, especially my husband who has pride. He works from 7:30 in the morning to 7 at night, 6 days a week, he is a hard worker, he takes ASE tests monthly to get more money for his family (5 dollar raise in a year, he rocks), but we can not come up with this money, we are already forking out so much for a lawyer (which proudly we have paid for on our own), but we can not get this money. I have two friends who are trying to figure things out to help me, coming up with suggestions for money, and honestly just their emotional support is awesome. It's the worst feeling to need to help your child, and can't, keeps you on edge constantly, constantly I am trying to not get so frustrated I'll cry, their is tension growing because of it, I spend hours researching for our case, hours I should spend doing laundry or housework, but the more research I do the less we have to fork out for our awesome lawyer, who might I add is doing her part to help us financially she is not billing us until later so we can pay for this expert (but a week is not enough time to come up with 2500). So what do we do? Beg, borrow....steal? not my style, got in trouble when I was little and learned my lesson (now I'm terrified to do it again). What do you do when you need money for your child's best interest and time is not on your side? Where the hell are we coming up with $2500, There is no time to write Ellen DeGenerous and ask her for help (lol I love her) and doing something that public would probably come out NOT in our favor, especially if we have to explain why we need help.
"Before borrowing money from a friend decide which you need most."
~American ProverbWe think the money for Gino is hands down most important.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
"Give a man enough rope and he'll hang himself" ~American Proverb
This is a quote that while I was growing up was a popular saying in my house, mainly because my parents had so many foster kids and adopted 8 (on top of the 4 they had biologically). It was a reoccurring phrase that my mother often said when talking about my younger sister's case. Her father did the bare minimum to keep his parental rights for a whopping 5-6 years before he hanged himself on the rope that DCF gave him. It is now very comforting to hear my mother say that to me about Gino and the case we have currently against his "mother". But it is certainly ringing true right now!
PRESCRIPTION DRUG: A drug requiring a prescription, as opposed to an over-the-counter drug, which can be purchased without one. The word "prescription" comes from the Latin "praescriptus" compounded from "prae", before + scribere, to write = to write before. Historically, a prescription was written before the drug was prepared and administered.
We were told by the "mother's" previous attorney (as well as the testing center and her current lawyer) that she was being prescribed Methadone (for chronic back pain) and Xanax (alprazolam, for anxiety and depression). So of course for the last year her urines have been coming back containing Methadone and Benzodiazepines. In what we think was an effort of her PCP trying to cover his ass for illegally prescribing medications to her, we received a letter stating that she is being prescribed Ibuprofen, Methadone and Soma....Wait where is the xanax?! Looking up Soma, it is a meprobamate NOT a Benzo! So not only is she misusing her "prescriptions" to get a high like she did off of heroin, but she is now taking a medication and failing for it that is NOT prescribed to her. Not only that, but mixing Soma with a painkiller (certain dosages of each) ALSO creates a heroin like high. Keeping our fingers crossed that she doesn't pop up with a prescription from somewhere, although if she does she is still abusing these medications and she would also have to be going to multiple doctors (which is a telltale sign of addiction) which would all look bad on her regardless. Our lawyer pretty much is freaking awesome, I definitely push her a lot and she is a saint for dealing with all of my emails and questions (it's not just to be pushy it's to learn more myself, I am after all thinking about taking her paralegal class). She is working her butt off to figure out how to catch this woman. We are on for an emergency motion to suspend visitation (suspend until we have enough evidence to push to terminate) on Friday, and oddly enough I am feeling at ease about the upcoming court date, usually I feel extremely anxious, I get horrible heart palpitations and feel very panicky and stressed, after all that is my husbands and my kid that is affected by all of this. It would be completely insane for the Judge not to see eye to eye with us AND with the GAL who WILL be there this Friday to say what she saw (which was an inebriated "mother") and state that she doesn't think that she is fit or mentally capable of being in his life. So I think we have a pretty good case, the only reason currently we are only fighting to suspend is because we need the expert opinion for the case on the levels and abuse going on. I am having so much trouble getting in contact with the man we think would be perfect for the job (who happened to be my husbands AA counselor and had played a big part in his sobriety), and an "expert" charges a good 475 an HOUR, which is WAY out of our pay-bracket, I wish there was a magic money tree that would pay for these insane court expenses that are deeming themselves necessary. We have our awesome lawyer who as far as lawyer's expenses go is "cheap" and very fair with how she calculates our bills, but that bill is piling up and it is looking more and more like any extra money we have AND all of our tax refund will be to pay her off! There is NO way we can afford an expert, but we need one, so our best bet would be this guy who is proving to be almost impossible to locate!
Regardless, Friday we have court, and I definitely have a feeling that it will go in our favor and am of course nervous but am also oddly at ease about the fast approaching date. There is supposed to be a visit between Gino and his egg donor this Sunday, but with any luck and a good ruling from the Judge there will be no more visits.
"I'm a true believer in karma. You get what you give, whether it's bad or good."
~ Sandra Bullock
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
"The Internet is really about highly specialized information, highly specialized targeting." ~Eric Schmidt
So much of what helps me with our sons case is not just our lawyer, but all of this research the internet has allowed me to do. Three years ago, my husband had a pretty bad drinking problem and started going to a Substance Abuse program along with at least one AA meeting every day. There was one man in particular that helped him out a lot, and who has recently popped into our heads as being the exact person we need to help us with our case in court. He has a lot of experience in this category but also has degrees to back up that experience (along with past experience) and we were thinking he would make the perfect "expert witness" for our case (since there are no real federal guidelines to who is and who is not an expert witness). So I look back at old information to find the number to the my husbands old substance abuse center, called and asked for the counselor, no idea who I was talking about. DAMN! 2.5 years later and this man wasn't working there and they didn't know who I was talking about. Of course now I'm thinking we are screwed and are going to have to pay out the butt for an expert witness (they can be anywhere from 100-2000 an hour), but again reverted back to the internet to see if I can track this guy down. LOW AND BEHOLD! I found him, working the next city over, called the number and left a message. Hopefully, he remembers my husband and I and calls me back! Keep your fingers crossed for me!
As for the rest of the case, now we are planning on subpoenaing (sp?) the "mother's" PCP's medical records for her because it looks like (according to federal regulations) that he is prescribing her an illegal amount of these medications but also changing his story about what these medications are being used for. (Not looking to get anyone fired, but we are looking to get to the bottom of this and finally get what is in Gino's best interests) The court appointed GAL seems to now be on our side (finally) and seems to be seeing the real woman behind the sober facade she has become so good at putting on for everyone but us. The PCP has stopped returning phone calls and sent a "letter" changing why she was prescribed these meds form what he had originally told the GAL, shady right? Ordered on the 22nd was a hair follicle to be done by today, her lawyer said she took one on the 19th-it was only a 5 panel, not the 12 panel we need to see her prescriptions. However, that was not what was ordered, she was ordered to take it between the 22nd and now. If she doesn't do that by the end of today, that is an automatic fail in the courts eyes, if she does, we are still taking her in because most likely she will not take the 12 panel we need. Not to mention we will need to suspend the visits because of all of this new information we are finding out about her prescriptions, but we still will need some hard evidence to get all of these shenanigans to stop (terminating her rights). The case is exasperating to say the least, and I think that some serious upgrades to Probate and Family laws needs to be made, and once this court case is finished I am seriously looking into fighting to "make those upgrades", which is going to take a lot of time and effort, but these laws need to be adjusted. People with continuous substance abuse issues, years of relapse, assault records, Class A Possesion issues, Abuse issues, etc. should NOT be allowed years upon years to slowly destroy a child's life mentally and possibly physically! This is 5 years that Gino has been put through this bull, 5 years being yanked in and out of this nonsense, 5 years of hating visits and seeing this woman, 5 years of her choosing drugs over her child (I understand the idea of substance abuse being a disease, I understand the arguments, but personally I have strong views on the matter, especially when involving a child)...After 1 or 2 years of continuous abuse and relapses, the childs best interests should be seriously thought about, and that parent who cannot get their act straight should have their rights terminated, this frivolous dance back and fourth is not only completely unnecessary but also can be extremely damaging to the child. So HEY MASSACHUSETTS can we do something about the way we handle the Probate and Family cases?! Also, something that should be a no brainer for courts is that yes, maybe an addict is prescribed certain medications, but those people may also very well be abusing those prescriptions, so any test that they are ordered to take should specifically be Quantitative and the ng/mL levels that would be considered abuse of the medications should be well known to both parties! I am still trying to figure out what (depending on dosages) are considered high levels and abusive of xanax and methadone when a person is prescribed these medications and ordered to submit to drug tests! Any one who knows anything, let me know, you could help save a kid here, lord knows it is next to impossible to find this information. Ex: say she takes 10 mg's 2-3 times a day (30 mg's max a day) when she takes a urine her ng/mL level should not be MORE than 350 ng/mL's (this is an example of what I NEED to find out, with documentation of it).
Short post yes, but this is all over my brain, honestly stopping me from being very productive in other areas of life!
As for the rest of the case, now we are planning on subpoenaing (sp?) the "mother's" PCP's medical records for her because it looks like (according to federal regulations) that he is prescribing her an illegal amount of these medications but also changing his story about what these medications are being used for. (Not looking to get anyone fired, but we are looking to get to the bottom of this and finally get what is in Gino's best interests) The court appointed GAL seems to now be on our side (finally) and seems to be seeing the real woman behind the sober facade she has become so good at putting on for everyone but us. The PCP has stopped returning phone calls and sent a "letter" changing why she was prescribed these meds form what he had originally told the GAL, shady right? Ordered on the 22nd was a hair follicle to be done by today, her lawyer said she took one on the 19th-it was only a 5 panel, not the 12 panel we need to see her prescriptions. However, that was not what was ordered, she was ordered to take it between the 22nd and now. If she doesn't do that by the end of today, that is an automatic fail in the courts eyes, if she does, we are still taking her in because most likely she will not take the 12 panel we need. Not to mention we will need to suspend the visits because of all of this new information we are finding out about her prescriptions, but we still will need some hard evidence to get all of these shenanigans to stop (terminating her rights). The case is exasperating to say the least, and I think that some serious upgrades to Probate and Family laws needs to be made, and once this court case is finished I am seriously looking into fighting to "make those upgrades", which is going to take a lot of time and effort, but these laws need to be adjusted. People with continuous substance abuse issues, years of relapse, assault records, Class A Possesion issues, Abuse issues, etc. should NOT be allowed years upon years to slowly destroy a child's life mentally and possibly physically! This is 5 years that Gino has been put through this bull, 5 years being yanked in and out of this nonsense, 5 years of hating visits and seeing this woman, 5 years of her choosing drugs over her child (I understand the idea of substance abuse being a disease, I understand the arguments, but personally I have strong views on the matter, especially when involving a child)...After 1 or 2 years of continuous abuse and relapses, the childs best interests should be seriously thought about, and that parent who cannot get their act straight should have their rights terminated, this frivolous dance back and fourth is not only completely unnecessary but also can be extremely damaging to the child. So HEY MASSACHUSETTS can we do something about the way we handle the Probate and Family cases?! Also, something that should be a no brainer for courts is that yes, maybe an addict is prescribed certain medications, but those people may also very well be abusing those prescriptions, so any test that they are ordered to take should specifically be Quantitative and the ng/mL levels that would be considered abuse of the medications should be well known to both parties! I am still trying to figure out what (depending on dosages) are considered high levels and abusive of xanax and methadone when a person is prescribed these medications and ordered to submit to drug tests! Any one who knows anything, let me know, you could help save a kid here, lord knows it is next to impossible to find this information. Ex: say she takes 10 mg's 2-3 times a day (30 mg's max a day) when she takes a urine her ng/mL level should not be MORE than 350 ng/mL's (this is an example of what I NEED to find out, with documentation of it).
Short post yes, but this is all over my brain, honestly stopping me from being very productive in other areas of life!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
"Broad assumptions are made about young parents: they must be single parents, they have short term or sporadic relationships, they probably have had many sexual partners, they will make inadequate parents and they are uneducated and irresponsible." ~Planned Parenhood "Young Parent's Report"
I am far from the youngest mother out there, I am 23 1/2 with two kids who are 5 and almost 2. My husband was 18 when our first son Gino was born (my "step" son) and so was I, although I did not know him at that age, I could have very easily been in the same boat as my husband was at 18. I in fact (don't really care what your opinions are on the matter) had an abortion when I was 18, and to this day have never regretted the decision. For me, at that time I was not ready to have a baby especially not with the "man" I was seeing at that time. He had another son who he never took care of, pretended he cared about him, was 25 and couldn't hold a job or pay child support without me telling him he should be doing so, amongst other things. His sons mother and I became very close (and I still consider her an amazing friend), she was one of the few who was totally honest with me about him, she was right about him every step of the way, and to this day I am so grateful to her for her being so straight forward and honest with me from the beginning (even when I was being manipulated by a hobbit).
I was anything but careless, actually I had been taking birth control since I was young (not to over share or anything) and had consistently taken my pills to ensure I would not have a baby until I was ready. Unfortunately, when you are young and your doctor does not inform you that taking anti-biotic's while on birth control can stop the birth control from being effective, pregnancy is often what follows. It was a hard decision for me because I love kids and my mother and my father had different views on the matter. In the end, I decided to have an abortion (which prior to the situation I was in, I never agreed with people having them) and my best friend Katie was there for me every step of the way. And Like I said, to this day, I have never regretted my decision.
Only two years later, I met my husband and his absolutely adorable 2 year old son. Honestly when I met my husband, I thought he was much older (I never dated men my age, because generally they were too immature) and wanted nothing to do with him for a good 6 months, not because he wasn't attractive or hilarious (he was and still is, even more so now than then) but because I just got out of a serious relationship and definitely was not wanting to be involved with another man who had a kid. I suppose persistence pays off though, because I am now in fact married to him. So in a way, I have been a mother since I was 20, because I have been a mother to Gino since then. I was almost 22 when Deezy was born, so I guess you could say I am a young mother, however I had always wanted my kids in my early 20's because I didn't want to be an older mother (not that anything is wrong with that, I just wanted to have mine young). I'm hoping to have another soon!! So far, my husband and I are thinking 6 kids, but that all depends on the gender of the next 2 (2 more boys in a row might make me stop at 4, our boys come out insanely active).
The point of that mini rant about being a young mother does have a point, my point is how awkward and annoying it is being looked at like "the young mom" when I take Gino to school. Even more so nowadays when a lot of women aren't having there kids until their 40's!! Just because I am young with two boys, does NOT make me promiscuous, does NOT make me a single mother, does NOT make me a bad mother, does NOT make me irresponsible OR uneducated! In fact, I was raised by some pretty smart parents, a father who is a Doctor of Anthropology and a mother who was an English teacher, they also both happen to have been in the Peace Corps (Kano, Nigeria). So don't be fooled by my young appearance, I was raised very well (although at times I may have butted heads with my parents) and am myself, an educated woman. I hold a minor in Psychology and am working on finishing up my degree in Music Education. I also want to pursue many other roads in education, like family law paralegal, a Major in Psychology and go on to get a Doctorate in Music. So, please, no quick judgements, I am not what you are thinking. I am also a married woman, to a wonderful man who I have been with for over 3 years, we have overcome more than many couples will in their whole life, just because we are young, does not make us any less than an older couple/parent. Up until recently, I handled my son Gino's entire court case on my own (along with having to teach my husband things because I was not allowed to speak for him), filed everything, researched everything, took all notes on the case, called to find out more information, read exerts from law books and articles...so irresponsible I am not.
It is always so awkward walking up to Gino's school for drop off or pick up, and feeling eyes looking at you obviously because you are young. I am probably more involved in my sons life than most of those parents picking up and dropping off their kids are. There was a cute Gingerbread house activity at his school this morning that parents were invited too, and looking around I was probably the only one under 30, AWKWARD! But don't be fooled, we rocked that Gingerbread house and other than the one set of parents who pretty much did their daughter's Gingerbread house (we know who will be doing her English papers when she is older) Gino's was one of the most thought out and neat houses there. He is very artistic and pays close attention to details, and that makes me one proud Mama! I took pictures, and wish I could put them up, but that may come back to haunt me at court!
Being a step mother is not easy, especially when the child sees you as his mother but the law says something different. But what makes it all worth it in the end is all of those little moments that bring tears to your eyes. We were putting up all of the Christmas decorations around the house the other day, Gino left the room to put something away in his room and I continued putting up the lights, bows and stockings. When Gino came back into the room his eyes lit up and got really wide and he screamed "MAMA!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!! IT'S BEAUTIFUL!" Every time he noticed something new, he screamed "Mama!!!!!! I love you!!!!" I giggled, partly because the way he said that was hilarious but also I teared up a little because it warmed my heart (as it always does) to hear him say that to me and for something so little. It's those little things that make the hard times of being a step mother totally worth it in the end. When Gino is at home with us, at school and not at visits that he hates, he is the happiest kid you could ever meet, with a lot of love to give and can teach a lot of people a thing or two about strength and learning. He has been through so much in his little life, but still is so sweet, smart, caring, loving and eager to learn more everyday. I'm pretty sure I am the luckiest Mama out there I have two beautiful children, who I love very much and who love me very much, couldn't ask for much more!
I was anything but careless, actually I had been taking birth control since I was young (not to over share or anything) and had consistently taken my pills to ensure I would not have a baby until I was ready. Unfortunately, when you are young and your doctor does not inform you that taking anti-biotic's while on birth control can stop the birth control from being effective, pregnancy is often what follows. It was a hard decision for me because I love kids and my mother and my father had different views on the matter. In the end, I decided to have an abortion (which prior to the situation I was in, I never agreed with people having them) and my best friend Katie was there for me every step of the way. And Like I said, to this day, I have never regretted my decision.
Only two years later, I met my husband and his absolutely adorable 2 year old son. Honestly when I met my husband, I thought he was much older (I never dated men my age, because generally they were too immature) and wanted nothing to do with him for a good 6 months, not because he wasn't attractive or hilarious (he was and still is, even more so now than then) but because I just got out of a serious relationship and definitely was not wanting to be involved with another man who had a kid. I suppose persistence pays off though, because I am now in fact married to him. So in a way, I have been a mother since I was 20, because I have been a mother to Gino since then. I was almost 22 when Deezy was born, so I guess you could say I am a young mother, however I had always wanted my kids in my early 20's because I didn't want to be an older mother (not that anything is wrong with that, I just wanted to have mine young). I'm hoping to have another soon!! So far, my husband and I are thinking 6 kids, but that all depends on the gender of the next 2 (2 more boys in a row might make me stop at 4, our boys come out insanely active).
The point of that mini rant about being a young mother does have a point, my point is how awkward and annoying it is being looked at like "the young mom" when I take Gino to school. Even more so nowadays when a lot of women aren't having there kids until their 40's!! Just because I am young with two boys, does NOT make me promiscuous, does NOT make me a single mother, does NOT make me a bad mother, does NOT make me irresponsible OR uneducated! In fact, I was raised by some pretty smart parents, a father who is a Doctor of Anthropology and a mother who was an English teacher, they also both happen to have been in the Peace Corps (Kano, Nigeria). So don't be fooled by my young appearance, I was raised very well (although at times I may have butted heads with my parents) and am myself, an educated woman. I hold a minor in Psychology and am working on finishing up my degree in Music Education. I also want to pursue many other roads in education, like family law paralegal, a Major in Psychology and go on to get a Doctorate in Music. So, please, no quick judgements, I am not what you are thinking. I am also a married woman, to a wonderful man who I have been with for over 3 years, we have overcome more than many couples will in their whole life, just because we are young, does not make us any less than an older couple/parent. Up until recently, I handled my son Gino's entire court case on my own (along with having to teach my husband things because I was not allowed to speak for him), filed everything, researched everything, took all notes on the case, called to find out more information, read exerts from law books and articles...so irresponsible I am not.
It is always so awkward walking up to Gino's school for drop off or pick up, and feeling eyes looking at you obviously because you are young. I am probably more involved in my sons life than most of those parents picking up and dropping off their kids are. There was a cute Gingerbread house activity at his school this morning that parents were invited too, and looking around I was probably the only one under 30, AWKWARD! But don't be fooled, we rocked that Gingerbread house and other than the one set of parents who pretty much did their daughter's Gingerbread house (we know who will be doing her English papers when she is older) Gino's was one of the most thought out and neat houses there. He is very artistic and pays close attention to details, and that makes me one proud Mama! I took pictures, and wish I could put them up, but that may come back to haunt me at court!
"Insanity is being a stepmother who wouldn't change a thing... It is also happiness and Love"
~MelanieBeing a step mother is not easy, especially when the child sees you as his mother but the law says something different. But what makes it all worth it in the end is all of those little moments that bring tears to your eyes. We were putting up all of the Christmas decorations around the house the other day, Gino left the room to put something away in his room and I continued putting up the lights, bows and stockings. When Gino came back into the room his eyes lit up and got really wide and he screamed "MAMA!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!! IT'S BEAUTIFUL!" Every time he noticed something new, he screamed "Mama!!!!!! I love you!!!!" I giggled, partly because the way he said that was hilarious but also I teared up a little because it warmed my heart (as it always does) to hear him say that to me and for something so little. It's those little things that make the hard times of being a step mother totally worth it in the end. When Gino is at home with us, at school and not at visits that he hates, he is the happiest kid you could ever meet, with a lot of love to give and can teach a lot of people a thing or two about strength and learning. He has been through so much in his little life, but still is so sweet, smart, caring, loving and eager to learn more everyday. I'm pretty sure I am the luckiest Mama out there I have two beautiful children, who I love very much and who love me very much, couldn't ask for much more!
When you have brought up kids, there are memories you store directly in your tear ducts.
~Robert Brault
~Robert Brault
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