So much of what helps me with our sons case is not just our lawyer, but all of this research the internet has allowed me to do. Three years ago, my husband had a pretty bad drinking problem and started going to a Substance Abuse program along with at least one AA meeting every day. There was one man in particular that helped him out a lot, and who has recently popped into our heads as being the exact person we need to help us with our case in court. He has a lot of experience in this category but also has degrees to back up that experience (along with past experience) and we were thinking he would make the perfect "expert witness" for our case (since there are no real federal guidelines to who is and who is not an expert witness). So I look back at old information to find the number to the my husbands old substance abuse center, called and asked for the counselor, no idea who I was talking about. DAMN! 2.5 years later and this man wasn't working there and they didn't know who I was talking about. Of course now I'm thinking we are screwed and are going to have to pay out the butt for an expert witness (they can be anywhere from 100-2000 an hour), but again reverted back to the internet to see if I can track this guy down. LOW AND BEHOLD! I found him, working the next city over, called the number and left a message. Hopefully, he remembers my husband and I and calls me back! Keep your fingers crossed for me!
As for the rest of the case, now we are planning on subpoenaing (sp?) the "mother's" PCP's medical records for her because it looks like (according to federal regulations) that he is prescribing her an illegal amount of these medications but also changing his story about what these medications are being used for. (Not looking to get anyone fired, but we are looking to get to the bottom of this and finally get what is in Gino's best interests) The court appointed GAL seems to now be on our side (finally) and seems to be seeing the real woman behind the sober facade she has become so good at putting on for everyone but us. The PCP has stopped returning phone calls and sent a "letter" changing why she was prescribed these meds form what he had originally told the GAL, shady right? Ordered on the 22nd was a hair follicle to be done by today, her lawyer said she took one on the 19th-it was only a 5 panel, not the 12 panel we need to see her prescriptions. However, that was not what was ordered, she was ordered to take it between the 22nd and now. If she doesn't do that by the end of today, that is an automatic fail in the courts eyes, if she does, we are still taking her in because most likely she will not take the 12 panel we need. Not to mention we will need to suspend the visits because of all of this new information we are finding out about her prescriptions, but we still will need some hard evidence to get all of these shenanigans to stop (terminating her rights). The case is exasperating to say the least, and I think that some serious upgrades to Probate and Family laws needs to be made, and once this court case is finished I am seriously looking into fighting to "make those upgrades", which is going to take a lot of time and effort, but these laws need to be adjusted. People with continuous substance abuse issues, years of relapse, assault records, Class A Possesion issues, Abuse issues, etc. should NOT be allowed years upon years to slowly destroy a child's life mentally and possibly physically! This is 5 years that Gino has been put through this bull, 5 years being yanked in and out of this nonsense, 5 years of hating visits and seeing this woman, 5 years of her choosing drugs over her child (I understand the idea of substance abuse being a disease, I understand the arguments, but personally I have strong views on the matter, especially when involving a child)...After 1 or 2 years of continuous abuse and relapses, the childs best interests should be seriously thought about, and that parent who cannot get their act straight should have their rights terminated, this frivolous dance back and fourth is not only completely unnecessary but also can be extremely damaging to the child. So HEY MASSACHUSETTS can we do something about the way we handle the Probate and Family cases?! Also, something that should be a no brainer for courts is that yes, maybe an addict is prescribed certain medications, but those people may also very well be abusing those prescriptions, so any test that they are ordered to take should specifically be Quantitative and the ng/mL levels that would be considered abuse of the medications should be well known to both parties! I am still trying to figure out what (depending on dosages) are considered high levels and abusive of xanax and methadone when a person is prescribed these medications and ordered to submit to drug tests! Any one who knows anything, let me know, you could help save a kid here, lord knows it is next to impossible to find this information. Ex: say she takes 10 mg's 2-3 times a day (30 mg's max a day) when she takes a urine her ng/mL level should not be MORE than 350 ng/mL's (this is an example of what I NEED to find out, with documentation of it).
Short post yes, but this is all over my brain, honestly stopping me from being very productive in other areas of life!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
"Broad assumptions are made about young parents: they must be single parents, they have short term or sporadic relationships, they probably have had many sexual partners, they will make inadequate parents and they are uneducated and irresponsible." ~Planned Parenhood "Young Parent's Report"
I am far from the youngest mother out there, I am 23 1/2 with two kids who are 5 and almost 2. My husband was 18 when our first son Gino was born (my "step" son) and so was I, although I did not know him at that age, I could have very easily been in the same boat as my husband was at 18. I in fact (don't really care what your opinions are on the matter) had an abortion when I was 18, and to this day have never regretted the decision. For me, at that time I was not ready to have a baby especially not with the "man" I was seeing at that time. He had another son who he never took care of, pretended he cared about him, was 25 and couldn't hold a job or pay child support without me telling him he should be doing so, amongst other things. His sons mother and I became very close (and I still consider her an amazing friend), she was one of the few who was totally honest with me about him, she was right about him every step of the way, and to this day I am so grateful to her for her being so straight forward and honest with me from the beginning (even when I was being manipulated by a hobbit).
I was anything but careless, actually I had been taking birth control since I was young (not to over share or anything) and had consistently taken my pills to ensure I would not have a baby until I was ready. Unfortunately, when you are young and your doctor does not inform you that taking anti-biotic's while on birth control can stop the birth control from being effective, pregnancy is often what follows. It was a hard decision for me because I love kids and my mother and my father had different views on the matter. In the end, I decided to have an abortion (which prior to the situation I was in, I never agreed with people having them) and my best friend Katie was there for me every step of the way. And Like I said, to this day, I have never regretted my decision.
Only two years later, I met my husband and his absolutely adorable 2 year old son. Honestly when I met my husband, I thought he was much older (I never dated men my age, because generally they were too immature) and wanted nothing to do with him for a good 6 months, not because he wasn't attractive or hilarious (he was and still is, even more so now than then) but because I just got out of a serious relationship and definitely was not wanting to be involved with another man who had a kid. I suppose persistence pays off though, because I am now in fact married to him. So in a way, I have been a mother since I was 20, because I have been a mother to Gino since then. I was almost 22 when Deezy was born, so I guess you could say I am a young mother, however I had always wanted my kids in my early 20's because I didn't want to be an older mother (not that anything is wrong with that, I just wanted to have mine young). I'm hoping to have another soon!! So far, my husband and I are thinking 6 kids, but that all depends on the gender of the next 2 (2 more boys in a row might make me stop at 4, our boys come out insanely active).
The point of that mini rant about being a young mother does have a point, my point is how awkward and annoying it is being looked at like "the young mom" when I take Gino to school. Even more so nowadays when a lot of women aren't having there kids until their 40's!! Just because I am young with two boys, does NOT make me promiscuous, does NOT make me a single mother, does NOT make me a bad mother, does NOT make me irresponsible OR uneducated! In fact, I was raised by some pretty smart parents, a father who is a Doctor of Anthropology and a mother who was an English teacher, they also both happen to have been in the Peace Corps (Kano, Nigeria). So don't be fooled by my young appearance, I was raised very well (although at times I may have butted heads with my parents) and am myself, an educated woman. I hold a minor in Psychology and am working on finishing up my degree in Music Education. I also want to pursue many other roads in education, like family law paralegal, a Major in Psychology and go on to get a Doctorate in Music. So, please, no quick judgements, I am not what you are thinking. I am also a married woman, to a wonderful man who I have been with for over 3 years, we have overcome more than many couples will in their whole life, just because we are young, does not make us any less than an older couple/parent. Up until recently, I handled my son Gino's entire court case on my own (along with having to teach my husband things because I was not allowed to speak for him), filed everything, researched everything, took all notes on the case, called to find out more information, read exerts from law books and articles...so irresponsible I am not.
It is always so awkward walking up to Gino's school for drop off or pick up, and feeling eyes looking at you obviously because you are young. I am probably more involved in my sons life than most of those parents picking up and dropping off their kids are. There was a cute Gingerbread house activity at his school this morning that parents were invited too, and looking around I was probably the only one under 30, AWKWARD! But don't be fooled, we rocked that Gingerbread house and other than the one set of parents who pretty much did their daughter's Gingerbread house (we know who will be doing her English papers when she is older) Gino's was one of the most thought out and neat houses there. He is very artistic and pays close attention to details, and that makes me one proud Mama! I took pictures, and wish I could put them up, but that may come back to haunt me at court!
Being a step mother is not easy, especially when the child sees you as his mother but the law says something different. But what makes it all worth it in the end is all of those little moments that bring tears to your eyes. We were putting up all of the Christmas decorations around the house the other day, Gino left the room to put something away in his room and I continued putting up the lights, bows and stockings. When Gino came back into the room his eyes lit up and got really wide and he screamed "MAMA!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!! IT'S BEAUTIFUL!" Every time he noticed something new, he screamed "Mama!!!!!! I love you!!!!" I giggled, partly because the way he said that was hilarious but also I teared up a little because it warmed my heart (as it always does) to hear him say that to me and for something so little. It's those little things that make the hard times of being a step mother totally worth it in the end. When Gino is at home with us, at school and not at visits that he hates, he is the happiest kid you could ever meet, with a lot of love to give and can teach a lot of people a thing or two about strength and learning. He has been through so much in his little life, but still is so sweet, smart, caring, loving and eager to learn more everyday. I'm pretty sure I am the luckiest Mama out there I have two beautiful children, who I love very much and who love me very much, couldn't ask for much more!
I was anything but careless, actually I had been taking birth control since I was young (not to over share or anything) and had consistently taken my pills to ensure I would not have a baby until I was ready. Unfortunately, when you are young and your doctor does not inform you that taking anti-biotic's while on birth control can stop the birth control from being effective, pregnancy is often what follows. It was a hard decision for me because I love kids and my mother and my father had different views on the matter. In the end, I decided to have an abortion (which prior to the situation I was in, I never agreed with people having them) and my best friend Katie was there for me every step of the way. And Like I said, to this day, I have never regretted my decision.
Only two years later, I met my husband and his absolutely adorable 2 year old son. Honestly when I met my husband, I thought he was much older (I never dated men my age, because generally they were too immature) and wanted nothing to do with him for a good 6 months, not because he wasn't attractive or hilarious (he was and still is, even more so now than then) but because I just got out of a serious relationship and definitely was not wanting to be involved with another man who had a kid. I suppose persistence pays off though, because I am now in fact married to him. So in a way, I have been a mother since I was 20, because I have been a mother to Gino since then. I was almost 22 when Deezy was born, so I guess you could say I am a young mother, however I had always wanted my kids in my early 20's because I didn't want to be an older mother (not that anything is wrong with that, I just wanted to have mine young). I'm hoping to have another soon!! So far, my husband and I are thinking 6 kids, but that all depends on the gender of the next 2 (2 more boys in a row might make me stop at 4, our boys come out insanely active).
The point of that mini rant about being a young mother does have a point, my point is how awkward and annoying it is being looked at like "the young mom" when I take Gino to school. Even more so nowadays when a lot of women aren't having there kids until their 40's!! Just because I am young with two boys, does NOT make me promiscuous, does NOT make me a single mother, does NOT make me a bad mother, does NOT make me irresponsible OR uneducated! In fact, I was raised by some pretty smart parents, a father who is a Doctor of Anthropology and a mother who was an English teacher, they also both happen to have been in the Peace Corps (Kano, Nigeria). So don't be fooled by my young appearance, I was raised very well (although at times I may have butted heads with my parents) and am myself, an educated woman. I hold a minor in Psychology and am working on finishing up my degree in Music Education. I also want to pursue many other roads in education, like family law paralegal, a Major in Psychology and go on to get a Doctorate in Music. So, please, no quick judgements, I am not what you are thinking. I am also a married woman, to a wonderful man who I have been with for over 3 years, we have overcome more than many couples will in their whole life, just because we are young, does not make us any less than an older couple/parent. Up until recently, I handled my son Gino's entire court case on my own (along with having to teach my husband things because I was not allowed to speak for him), filed everything, researched everything, took all notes on the case, called to find out more information, read exerts from law books and articles...so irresponsible I am not.
It is always so awkward walking up to Gino's school for drop off or pick up, and feeling eyes looking at you obviously because you are young. I am probably more involved in my sons life than most of those parents picking up and dropping off their kids are. There was a cute Gingerbread house activity at his school this morning that parents were invited too, and looking around I was probably the only one under 30, AWKWARD! But don't be fooled, we rocked that Gingerbread house and other than the one set of parents who pretty much did their daughter's Gingerbread house (we know who will be doing her English papers when she is older) Gino's was one of the most thought out and neat houses there. He is very artistic and pays close attention to details, and that makes me one proud Mama! I took pictures, and wish I could put them up, but that may come back to haunt me at court!
"Insanity is being a stepmother who wouldn't change a thing... It is also happiness and Love"
~MelanieBeing a step mother is not easy, especially when the child sees you as his mother but the law says something different. But what makes it all worth it in the end is all of those little moments that bring tears to your eyes. We were putting up all of the Christmas decorations around the house the other day, Gino left the room to put something away in his room and I continued putting up the lights, bows and stockings. When Gino came back into the room his eyes lit up and got really wide and he screamed "MAMA!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!! IT'S BEAUTIFUL!" Every time he noticed something new, he screamed "Mama!!!!!! I love you!!!!" I giggled, partly because the way he said that was hilarious but also I teared up a little because it warmed my heart (as it always does) to hear him say that to me and for something so little. It's those little things that make the hard times of being a step mother totally worth it in the end. When Gino is at home with us, at school and not at visits that he hates, he is the happiest kid you could ever meet, with a lot of love to give and can teach a lot of people a thing or two about strength and learning. He has been through so much in his little life, but still is so sweet, smart, caring, loving and eager to learn more everyday. I'm pretty sure I am the luckiest Mama out there I have two beautiful children, who I love very much and who love me very much, couldn't ask for much more!
When you have brought up kids, there are memories you store directly in your tear ducts.
~Robert Brault
~Robert Brault
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile." ~unknown
Once again, it has been a very long time since I have posted a blog! So much has been going on to keep my boys and I very busy. Gino started Kindergarten! He loves it, and I love it too! Every morning he asks if it is a long day because he likes to be at school longer because he has so much fun! He has made big strides with writing and reading so far (has a little bit of a harder time recognizing certain letters) but the teacher's there are amazing and have worked so hard and patiently with all of their students! Gino can now sound out most words to figure out what it is and vice versa! He figured out how to spell spider (with very little help from me)! Our area has amazing school systems, and I am so happy to be living in this area!
Deezy is growing fast, and so is his crazy personality! This kid never stops I swear! He is sooo hyper and has such a strong personality, he thinks he is just hilarious all of the time (which, to be honest, even when he is getting in trouble, I find it hard to not laugh when I look at the goofy faces he makes). He is saying so many new words, but I am sure we are some of the few who can understand what they are yet, like "wubby" is water. He is constantly eating as well, the kid never stops! But he is far from over weight, he is tall and lean actually, but man can that kid put stuff down! Not only that, but he hides food for later, and can smell chocolate from a mile away. I hid my dark chocolate on the top shelf in the pantry, and he climbed up and got it, no problem. He is a handful and isn't even two yet, but he provides much needed entertainment during the day. He is now 1 month sober from the boob! That was far from an easy task, but he did it! I breastfed that kid for almost 2 years! He still is attached to falling asleep on them at nap time, I'm sure it is a comfort thing, but he also now sleeps in a big boy bed in his brothers and his room! (not a toddler bed, a big boy bed!)
My husband pretty much rocks too, he's mentoring at this nurturing father's program at DCF on Thursday's and is really enjoying it, he took both of the boys one night that everyone was bringing their kids. He provided the entertainment (which was floor hockey) and the kids had a blast! Not only is he giving the father's there hope that they will be able to have a relationship with their child (my husband being a rare case where a father has full physical custody of his child) but he is also learning things while he is there. He also passed another ASE test (3 now in less than a year!) and he gets another dollar raise for every ASE certification he gets! Not only that, but we are moving into a single family house, with a yard, in this area right by his job the end of February! FINALLY, the kids can run around and "walk as loudly" as they like without our cranky landlord complaining! We can also get that rotty we have been wanting for so long because we will have the yard!
"Loving life right now...happiness wasn't in my vision but now I'm staring at it." ~Unknown
Now for the main purpose of this post, Gino's case. In August the "biological mother" was granted visitation again even though she failed a drug test that day in court, not only that but the Judge lectured her for a long time and told her that the only reason he was allowing the visits was to show her what she would lose out on, and that this was her last chance, and he didn't want to be the one to do it, but he would terminate her parental rights if she messes up again. Yes, we are livid he has allowed visits, we are not stupid this girl is NOT sober by any definition of the word, but we do have the Judge saying this is her absolute last chance so we are hoping that works out in our favor. We have had so many issues with the current visitation schedule and agreement, she smokes in the house with Gino there and he has very bad asthma that he has to take a steroid and an anti-inflammatory for EVERY day (she is also the reason he has this asthma thanks to her smoking and drug use while pregnant), until recent complaints made by us he only had snacks as lunch, she clipped his fingernails and almost every single one was bleeding, her boyfriend (who is a creep and is a clear drug user himself) has been on visits even though the Judge had specifically said no to anyone besides immediate family being on the visit, and some issues with lying from the supervisor as well as her not supervising the visits properly. That isn't even all of our worries and complaints, but that's a bulk of them. She has NOT been taking the random urine screens that were originally ordered because where she lives, one of the only places that administered those has now been shut down so the Judge (obviously not thinking) said she was to take them through the probation department, but her color is not even called every month! SO we had been trying to come to an agreement about how, when and where she could take these tests to assure us that she is staying sober. We had come to a (not final) agreement that she would take a hair follicle every 30 days and that would be sufficient. There is also a GAL involved with our case who is supposed to do what is in Gino's best interests (that is questionable that she has been doing that at all) who came to our house and spoke to Gino on Friday, we also were scheduled for a sit down with her (that was very last minute and a pain in the ass) the same day. While we were at this meeting, our lawyer is trying to get us what we want for Gino and her new lawyer (who is a jerk and pretty apparent a heavy drinker), we had somewhat come to an agreement that we were obviously not pleased with. Our lawyer went back to the other room to discuss the hair follicle and to see the most recent one and the "mother" stumbled up to the GAL, our lawyer and her lawyer and slurred that she needed to leave to catch her boat. She apparently could barely stand or speak, now not only are we certain she is using something, but the GAL and our lawyer have witnessed first hand what we have seen going on for the last 5 years. This could work in our favor hopefully, now we are waiting on her to actually submit to the 12 panel hair follicle (the only one that shows her prescriptions for xanax and methadone, which she takes for back pain, NOT EVEN her addiction to heroin, she is prescribed it and has full freedom with how she takes it and when she takes it!) The last two tests we have from her (urine and hair which was not the 12 panel it was only a 5 with extended opiates which does not include prescriptions) were both "clean" which makes us worry she is misusing her scripts, which would make her "pass" the tests and be allowed to destroy Gino's life even more. Low and behold, I go back into the tests from March-May and her levels are all over the map (her ng/mL levels which is the amount of the metabolite that shows up in the screens) her Benzo (xanax) levels went from 7,000 ng/mL's to 79,000 ng/mL's!!! As well as her methadone ng/mL levels going from 850 to 1400!!! However, these new tests she is taking just say pass or fail they show no levels, so how are we to prove she is misusing these prescriptions?! And what exactly are the ng/mL's supposed to be for someone who is prescribed these medications (anyone who really does know and has the answer, please let me know, I know the cutoff levels to be considered detected but I cant find what the levels would be to be a red flag that she is abusing her prescription), addicts are so good at what they do, getting messed up and hiding it when necessary. The GAL has now said that even if her test comes back clean she doesn't think she should be around Gino because she would obviously be mentally unstable, duh of course she is, and its because she is not sober, and has never been she has just gotten away with it like she is paid to. We NEED this hair follicle to come back and be dirty and/or show abnormal levels for her prescriptions because we all know she is not sober, and Gino does not need this crap. This is her last chance, those are the words right out of the Judge's mouth and thank God we got that on recording (cost us 51 bucks but I hope it was worth it) so we can do our best to hold him to his word since what he says is under oath. 5 years of this nonsense is MORE than enough, it's time to end it. It's just a matter of finding out how to catch her at what she does best. So for anyone that has answers, really, please let me know because we are running out of options. I have always believed that karma comes back to get you for both positive and negative things,but with this karma is taking her sweet time.
Deezy is growing fast, and so is his crazy personality! This kid never stops I swear! He is sooo hyper and has such a strong personality, he thinks he is just hilarious all of the time (which, to be honest, even when he is getting in trouble, I find it hard to not laugh when I look at the goofy faces he makes). He is saying so many new words, but I am sure we are some of the few who can understand what they are yet, like "wubby" is water. He is constantly eating as well, the kid never stops! But he is far from over weight, he is tall and lean actually, but man can that kid put stuff down! Not only that, but he hides food for later, and can smell chocolate from a mile away. I hid my dark chocolate on the top shelf in the pantry, and he climbed up and got it, no problem. He is a handful and isn't even two yet, but he provides much needed entertainment during the day. He is now 1 month sober from the boob! That was far from an easy task, but he did it! I breastfed that kid for almost 2 years! He still is attached to falling asleep on them at nap time, I'm sure it is a comfort thing, but he also now sleeps in a big boy bed in his brothers and his room! (not a toddler bed, a big boy bed!)
My husband pretty much rocks too, he's mentoring at this nurturing father's program at DCF on Thursday's and is really enjoying it, he took both of the boys one night that everyone was bringing their kids. He provided the entertainment (which was floor hockey) and the kids had a blast! Not only is he giving the father's there hope that they will be able to have a relationship with their child (my husband being a rare case where a father has full physical custody of his child) but he is also learning things while he is there. He also passed another ASE test (3 now in less than a year!) and he gets another dollar raise for every ASE certification he gets! Not only that, but we are moving into a single family house, with a yard, in this area right by his job the end of February! FINALLY, the kids can run around and "walk as loudly" as they like without our cranky landlord complaining! We can also get that rotty we have been wanting for so long because we will have the yard!
"Loving life right now...happiness wasn't in my vision but now I'm staring at it." ~Unknown
Now for the main purpose of this post, Gino's case. In August the "biological mother" was granted visitation again even though she failed a drug test that day in court, not only that but the Judge lectured her for a long time and told her that the only reason he was allowing the visits was to show her what she would lose out on, and that this was her last chance, and he didn't want to be the one to do it, but he would terminate her parental rights if she messes up again. Yes, we are livid he has allowed visits, we are not stupid this girl is NOT sober by any definition of the word, but we do have the Judge saying this is her absolute last chance so we are hoping that works out in our favor. We have had so many issues with the current visitation schedule and agreement, she smokes in the house with Gino there and he has very bad asthma that he has to take a steroid and an anti-inflammatory for EVERY day (she is also the reason he has this asthma thanks to her smoking and drug use while pregnant), until recent complaints made by us he only had snacks as lunch, she clipped his fingernails and almost every single one was bleeding, her boyfriend (who is a creep and is a clear drug user himself) has been on visits even though the Judge had specifically said no to anyone besides immediate family being on the visit, and some issues with lying from the supervisor as well as her not supervising the visits properly. That isn't even all of our worries and complaints, but that's a bulk of them. She has NOT been taking the random urine screens that were originally ordered because where she lives, one of the only places that administered those has now been shut down so the Judge (obviously not thinking) said she was to take them through the probation department, but her color is not even called every month! SO we had been trying to come to an agreement about how, when and where she could take these tests to assure us that she is staying sober. We had come to a (not final) agreement that she would take a hair follicle every 30 days and that would be sufficient. There is also a GAL involved with our case who is supposed to do what is in Gino's best interests (that is questionable that she has been doing that at all) who came to our house and spoke to Gino on Friday, we also were scheduled for a sit down with her (that was very last minute and a pain in the ass) the same day. While we were at this meeting, our lawyer is trying to get us what we want for Gino and her new lawyer (who is a jerk and pretty apparent a heavy drinker), we had somewhat come to an agreement that we were obviously not pleased with. Our lawyer went back to the other room to discuss the hair follicle and to see the most recent one and the "mother" stumbled up to the GAL, our lawyer and her lawyer and slurred that she needed to leave to catch her boat. She apparently could barely stand or speak, now not only are we certain she is using something, but the GAL and our lawyer have witnessed first hand what we have seen going on for the last 5 years. This could work in our favor hopefully, now we are waiting on her to actually submit to the 12 panel hair follicle (the only one that shows her prescriptions for xanax and methadone, which she takes for back pain, NOT EVEN her addiction to heroin, she is prescribed it and has full freedom with how she takes it and when she takes it!) The last two tests we have from her (urine and hair which was not the 12 panel it was only a 5 with extended opiates which does not include prescriptions) were both "clean" which makes us worry she is misusing her scripts, which would make her "pass" the tests and be allowed to destroy Gino's life even more. Low and behold, I go back into the tests from March-May and her levels are all over the map (her ng/mL levels which is the amount of the metabolite that shows up in the screens) her Benzo (xanax) levels went from 7,000 ng/mL's to 79,000 ng/mL's!!! As well as her methadone ng/mL levels going from 850 to 1400!!! However, these new tests she is taking just say pass or fail they show no levels, so how are we to prove she is misusing these prescriptions?! And what exactly are the ng/mL's supposed to be for someone who is prescribed these medications (anyone who really does know and has the answer, please let me know, I know the cutoff levels to be considered detected but I cant find what the levels would be to be a red flag that she is abusing her prescription), addicts are so good at what they do, getting messed up and hiding it when necessary. The GAL has now said that even if her test comes back clean she doesn't think she should be around Gino because she would obviously be mentally unstable, duh of course she is, and its because she is not sober, and has never been she has just gotten away with it like she is paid to. We NEED this hair follicle to come back and be dirty and/or show abnormal levels for her prescriptions because we all know she is not sober, and Gino does not need this crap. This is her last chance, those are the words right out of the Judge's mouth and thank God we got that on recording (cost us 51 bucks but I hope it was worth it) so we can do our best to hold him to his word since what he says is under oath. 5 years of this nonsense is MORE than enough, it's time to end it. It's just a matter of finding out how to catch her at what she does best. So for anyone that has answers, really, please let me know because we are running out of options. I have always believed that karma comes back to get you for both positive and negative things,but with this karma is taking her sweet time.
"This is the last chance where he or she has sole control over his destiny..."
~Capt. Douglas J. Katz
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was. ~ Abraham Lincoln
It's been a long while since I have written a blog, there has been a lot going on and at the same time it has been very quiet this summer. The boys are getting so big, and so are their personalities...I can't help but laugh half the time because I can see pieces of my personality and my husbands personality, in Deezy especially! He definitely has my quick temper and music abilities...Daddy's love for any type of car/truck/motor cycle and is easily frustrated trait. I can't believe how fast they grow, I find myself flipping through pictures often reminiscing about certain ages and memories. Deezy seems to be coming up on 2 SO fast, Gino just turned 5, 3 years I have been in his life and the mother figure to him...Time flies!
Gino starts Kindergarten in two weeks, I'm not sure who is more nervous Gino or me! He seems to be ready to get out of his pre-school and move on to Kindergarten, he has been having a rough time the past two weeks at his pre-school, I think a lot of his friends have left to get ready for Kindergarten and younger 2 year olds are now in his class so he probably feels too old to be there. Not to mention some kid was coloring on his paper and making his life miserable there! I spoke to multiple teacher's about that little bit, kids will be kids, that little boy is only 2 and doesn't know better...but I'll be DAMNED if that is going to have such a negative impact on my child! At the same time, he needs to learn how to handle things on his own and control his emotions, I can't drop everything all the time to "save" him that will just send him the wrong impression. His entire life he will have to deal with kids that bug him, are mean, really annoying, etc. sheltering him would only make it more difficult for him to grow up.
I don't think that we will be having Deezy go to the same pre-school, Gino has learned so much and loved his first set of teacher's there, but every time I have gone as a concerned parent about this or that, I feel as if I am being ignored! SO most likely Deezy will be attending a different pre-school, there is one in the area that allows you to "check-in" on them via a web cam they have, I can check on him at any point during the day, which is reassuring. Oh the wonders of the internet!
I had major knee surgery about 10 years ago, due to a torn ACL I managed to get while playing short stop/sweeper in our last High school soccer game my freshman year. I knew my knee would never feel the same, but I was promised a much better knee than it ever was after the surgery-I have never been able to run again nor have I been able to kneel comfortably. So finally after 10 years of hoping one day it would be better, I gave in to my husband saying I needed to go to a knee specialist. X-ray of COURSE said nothing (why do they make you have an x-ray for ligament damage?! My bones don't hurt, the things holding my knee together hurt), so then I was referred to a knee specialist who when I went in was very quick, precise, calm and tolerant of any question I had. I was stupid to take Ibuprofen before going in because it was more difficult to show where I was having pain when I took a flippin' "pain killer" before. I then made an appointment to have an MRI, got the MRI that same week and had to wait 2 weeks for the results because conveniently my DR went on vacation. I go to the appointment 2 weeks later to discuss what is on my MRI and he says when I reviewed you MRI it looks like you will only need minor surgery on your cartilage that is torn, then takes me into the hallway to look at the MRI images....then continues to say but there is a possibilty this tear in your cartilage is so big that you will need to replace your cartilage (a second surgery) and this image is troubling of your ACL we will have to look at that the best we can when we go in for surgery (a possible 3rd surgery). Not anything I wanted to hear, I have two boys, one who happens to be extremely over active, I live on the second and third floors of my house, not to mention I drive standard...fantabulous! I am just hoping it will end at the minimally invasive cartilage "shaving" and not go on to the other two surgeries. Not to mention, that was the end of P90X for me, so now I'm angry I can't lose the few pounds that I want to lose or do the cardio as easily as I hoped.
With both Gino's early day Kindergarten schedule and my knee surgery coming up, I will not be attending college in the fall, which on one hand I am happy about I was dreading returning but on the other hand I just want to be DONE and have my damn degree already! But mainly, I'm relieved because I really just don't want to go back yet, I want to stay at home with my little man.
I'm a true believer in karma. You get what you give, whether it's bad or good ~Sandra Bullock
The summer has been nice with out the stress of having to take Gino to visits that he hates, but we had court yesterday for the visitation matter. It was a pretrial conference (which is pretty serious) where of course her lawyer had put in a motion to have visitation again. Not to mention we were appointed a Guardian Ad Litem, which came back to bite us in the ass. The woman did nothing for Gino at all, she never interviewed him, never spoke to the people we had suggested she speak to (teachers, pediatrician, etc.), and completely attacked ME in the GAL report! Gino has called me Mama since Andino was coming into this world, HE chose to call me Mama he didn't have to. She not only falsely stated he calls me mommy (which is what he calls his "mother") but suggested that the court prevent him from calling me that from now on. There were a couple things that we had going for us yesterday and the GAL report was NOT one of them; the "mother" revoked the release for my husband to obtain her drug tests which was not allowed, the last urine screen that we had from her in June had what is called HIGH adulteration, the GAL condoned the fact that she uses marijuana so the judge made her go and take a urine screen since she said she hadn't used it, and she failed the screen. But low and behold, the Judge seems to have given her visitation again, this Judge never makes the final temporary judgements the day of court (which can be good or bad), he ordered us to bring Gino to a visit yesterday for two hours yesterday, and that there would be one once a month after that as long as after the hair follicle all of her levels of drugs (that weren't prescribed) go down (including alcohol). He also said that this is her last chance, he doesn't want to be the one to do it, but he will terminate her RIGHTS if she messes up again because he has to protect the child. He also then ordered my husband to have a talk with Gino to explain to him that I am not his mother I am his step-mother, and try to get him not to call me Mama, my husband said he would speak to him but it was his choice to call me Mama or not and that he was NOT going to force him not to call me Mama. I think it is appalling, that I HAVE been the mother for almost 3 years to this child, because his "mother" could not get her shit together and take care of her son because drug use was more important to her than getting sober to have a relationship with her child. So after court yesterday, her sister comes up to us and says she doesn't think he should have the visit with his "mother" she's a mess but how can she tell that to her sister (this is the woman that is supposed to SUPERVISE the visits) meanwhile Gino's mothers new boyfriend is prancing around looking high as a kite walking back and fourth in front of Andre and I. We had given her sister our number at the last court date to call and have a relationship with Gino, but she NEVER did. We walk away with our heads low because Gino is about to hate us for making him go on a visit, and the sister comes flying around the corner saying Gino's mother doesn't want to do the visit today....THAT makes her look like shit, she was granted a visit and once again is blowing the visit off (obviously because she is under the influence of something or wanted to go home and get high). Now all we have to hope for is that once the Judge looks over the file more he really thinks about Gino and NOT her, she has had 5 years of chances with him...What is at stake now is that she will get a once a month overnight weekend with him, I pray that is not what he orders, but who knows now. I am amazed that even with a failed drug test yesterday that he is even allowing her visitation. It's horrible to say, but I can only hope she fails the drug test, or doesn't take one, she's done enough damage to Gino it's unbelievable they are allowing her to continue to do more. She said she was planning on enrolling in a college and that's why she couldn't pay more child support (she doesn't even pay the measly $35 a week, she pays $80 a month), HAHAHAH oh my god RIGHT, and pigs fly, babies change their own diapers, and a cow is jumping over the moon...That was just another ploy to make herself look better! I can only hope for what is best for Gino, there is only so much we can do...we actually had a lawyer this go around, she was young and very sweet but also very smart and on top of her game. We plan on hiring her again if we need to, but we are not sure what will happen. We were given a trial date (and a status conference before the trial) that runs to be very expensive on its own, looks like we will be putting aside a lot of money to hire a lawyer again (plan on using the same one). It might be a horrible thing to hope for, but I can only hope for Gino's sake that she messes up again.
Gino starts Kindergarten in two weeks, I'm not sure who is more nervous Gino or me! He seems to be ready to get out of his pre-school and move on to Kindergarten, he has been having a rough time the past two weeks at his pre-school, I think a lot of his friends have left to get ready for Kindergarten and younger 2 year olds are now in his class so he probably feels too old to be there. Not to mention some kid was coloring on his paper and making his life miserable there! I spoke to multiple teacher's about that little bit, kids will be kids, that little boy is only 2 and doesn't know better...but I'll be DAMNED if that is going to have such a negative impact on my child! At the same time, he needs to learn how to handle things on his own and control his emotions, I can't drop everything all the time to "save" him that will just send him the wrong impression. His entire life he will have to deal with kids that bug him, are mean, really annoying, etc. sheltering him would only make it more difficult for him to grow up.
I don't think that we will be having Deezy go to the same pre-school, Gino has learned so much and loved his first set of teacher's there, but every time I have gone as a concerned parent about this or that, I feel as if I am being ignored! SO most likely Deezy will be attending a different pre-school, there is one in the area that allows you to "check-in" on them via a web cam they have, I can check on him at any point during the day, which is reassuring. Oh the wonders of the internet!
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forwardI had major knee surgery about 10 years ago, due to a torn ACL I managed to get while playing short stop/sweeper in our last High school soccer game my freshman year. I knew my knee would never feel the same, but I was promised a much better knee than it ever was after the surgery-I have never been able to run again nor have I been able to kneel comfortably. So finally after 10 years of hoping one day it would be better, I gave in to my husband saying I needed to go to a knee specialist. X-ray of COURSE said nothing (why do they make you have an x-ray for ligament damage?! My bones don't hurt, the things holding my knee together hurt), so then I was referred to a knee specialist who when I went in was very quick, precise, calm and tolerant of any question I had. I was stupid to take Ibuprofen before going in because it was more difficult to show where I was having pain when I took a flippin' "pain killer" before. I then made an appointment to have an MRI, got the MRI that same week and had to wait 2 weeks for the results because conveniently my DR went on vacation. I go to the appointment 2 weeks later to discuss what is on my MRI and he says when I reviewed you MRI it looks like you will only need minor surgery on your cartilage that is torn, then takes me into the hallway to look at the MRI images....then continues to say but there is a possibilty this tear in your cartilage is so big that you will need to replace your cartilage (a second surgery) and this image is troubling of your ACL we will have to look at that the best we can when we go in for surgery (a possible 3rd surgery). Not anything I wanted to hear, I have two boys, one who happens to be extremely over active, I live on the second and third floors of my house, not to mention I drive standard...fantabulous! I am just hoping it will end at the minimally invasive cartilage "shaving" and not go on to the other two surgeries. Not to mention, that was the end of P90X for me, so now I'm angry I can't lose the few pounds that I want to lose or do the cardio as easily as I hoped.
With both Gino's early day Kindergarten schedule and my knee surgery coming up, I will not be attending college in the fall, which on one hand I am happy about I was dreading returning but on the other hand I just want to be DONE and have my damn degree already! But mainly, I'm relieved because I really just don't want to go back yet, I want to stay at home with my little man.
I'm a true believer in karma. You get what you give, whether it's bad or good ~Sandra Bullock
The summer has been nice with out the stress of having to take Gino to visits that he hates, but we had court yesterday for the visitation matter. It was a pretrial conference (which is pretty serious) where of course her lawyer had put in a motion to have visitation again. Not to mention we were appointed a Guardian Ad Litem, which came back to bite us in the ass. The woman did nothing for Gino at all, she never interviewed him, never spoke to the people we had suggested she speak to (teachers, pediatrician, etc.), and completely attacked ME in the GAL report! Gino has called me Mama since Andino was coming into this world, HE chose to call me Mama he didn't have to. She not only falsely stated he calls me mommy (which is what he calls his "mother") but suggested that the court prevent him from calling me that from now on. There were a couple things that we had going for us yesterday and the GAL report was NOT one of them; the "mother" revoked the release for my husband to obtain her drug tests which was not allowed, the last urine screen that we had from her in June had what is called HIGH adulteration, the GAL condoned the fact that she uses marijuana so the judge made her go and take a urine screen since she said she hadn't used it, and she failed the screen. But low and behold, the Judge seems to have given her visitation again, this Judge never makes the final temporary judgements the day of court (which can be good or bad), he ordered us to bring Gino to a visit yesterday for two hours yesterday, and that there would be one once a month after that as long as after the hair follicle all of her levels of drugs (that weren't prescribed) go down (including alcohol). He also said that this is her last chance, he doesn't want to be the one to do it, but he will terminate her RIGHTS if she messes up again because he has to protect the child. He also then ordered my husband to have a talk with Gino to explain to him that I am not his mother I am his step-mother, and try to get him not to call me Mama, my husband said he would speak to him but it was his choice to call me Mama or not and that he was NOT going to force him not to call me Mama. I think it is appalling, that I HAVE been the mother for almost 3 years to this child, because his "mother" could not get her shit together and take care of her son because drug use was more important to her than getting sober to have a relationship with her child. So after court yesterday, her sister comes up to us and says she doesn't think he should have the visit with his "mother" she's a mess but how can she tell that to her sister (this is the woman that is supposed to SUPERVISE the visits) meanwhile Gino's mothers new boyfriend is prancing around looking high as a kite walking back and fourth in front of Andre and I. We had given her sister our number at the last court date to call and have a relationship with Gino, but she NEVER did. We walk away with our heads low because Gino is about to hate us for making him go on a visit, and the sister comes flying around the corner saying Gino's mother doesn't want to do the visit today....THAT makes her look like shit, she was granted a visit and once again is blowing the visit off (obviously because she is under the influence of something or wanted to go home and get high). Now all we have to hope for is that once the Judge looks over the file more he really thinks about Gino and NOT her, she has had 5 years of chances with him...What is at stake now is that she will get a once a month overnight weekend with him, I pray that is not what he orders, but who knows now. I am amazed that even with a failed drug test yesterday that he is even allowing her visitation. It's horrible to say, but I can only hope she fails the drug test, or doesn't take one, she's done enough damage to Gino it's unbelievable they are allowing her to continue to do more. She said she was planning on enrolling in a college and that's why she couldn't pay more child support (she doesn't even pay the measly $35 a week, she pays $80 a month), HAHAHAH oh my god RIGHT, and pigs fly, babies change their own diapers, and a cow is jumping over the moon...That was just another ploy to make herself look better! I can only hope for what is best for Gino, there is only so much we can do...we actually had a lawyer this go around, she was young and very sweet but also very smart and on top of her game. We plan on hiring her again if we need to, but we are not sure what will happen. We were given a trial date (and a status conference before the trial) that runs to be very expensive on its own, looks like we will be putting aside a lot of money to hire a lawyer again (plan on using the same one). It might be a horrible thing to hope for, but I can only hope for Gino's sake that she messes up again.
"Even if things don't unfold the way you expected, don't be disheartened or give up. One who continues to advance will win in the end."
— Daisaku Ikeda
— Daisaku Ikeda
Friday, July 1, 2011
“More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” Doug Larson
Children are much wiser than we give them credit for (and yes they are also naive), if you take a minute to really listen, sometimes they say some incredible smart things. Gino, for instance, has an incredible understanding of everything that is going on around him and this amazing thirst for expanding his mind. If we as adults would adopt the happy mindset of a 5 year old, life could be much more enjoyable. When I took Gino to preschool yesterday, in his cubby there was a little envelope that said "MAMA" on it, having a 1 year old thinking that it is ok to monkey in the other cubbies and run screaming down the hallway, I chose to look at it when I got home. After a long morning shpeel of hand washing, saying good bye, trying to catch Deezy who was trying to escape, then speaking to the woman in the office for a half an hour, I FINALLY got to my car and buckled the squirmer into his car seat. Once I got home and sat down, I looked at the front of the little envelope and a huge smile hit my face because Gino, my (step) son writes MAMA now! I turned the envelope over and there was this beautiful picture of our house, car, the playground, a smiling sun, and Me (with crazy hair), Deezy (who Gino only draws crawling even though he walks now), Daddy and Gino all of us have big smiles on our faces, the detail was amazing (to me) for a child that is only 5. I open up the envelope and inside was a picture of a fish with a big smile swimming in the ocean and a huge sun with a big smile. I vaguely remember the age where everything was interesting and exciting, the sun was smiling and so was everything else. At Gino's age I remember declaring numerous amount of ridiculous things to my friends (that one of them kindly reminded me he remembers): apparently I wanted to drink a lot of milk and eat a lot of lettuce so I could have big boobs like my older sister (who has average boobs now that I think about it and that was what she ate and drank because she was a vegetarian), well apparently that worked because now they are huge and all I do is complain, I also remember declaring that I was going to marry a black man so I could have beautiful babies and I wouldn't be with a man who wasn't funny (I'm pretty sure there was a funny like my dad in there), which I did (he's a mix of things like I am). So maybe, just maybe, those ridiculous things children say should be listened to more closely, maybe they have some strange ability to see things that adults don't see. All I can say is that the three things I remember saying at that young age came very true, and for that I am extremely happy. I married the most amazing man for me, we balance each other better than I could ever have hoped for, what he lacks I have and what I lack he has, he keeps me grounded and in the real world. Balance is something that married people take for granted, even though we (the "bad" guys) hate being labeled the "bad" guys as a parent, there is a necessity for us just as there is a necessity for the easier "nice" parent. I used to wonder as a child why my father married my mother, I was so close with my dad and he was so cool and fun and my mom, well, we didn't get a long she was the opposite of my dad, but now I know why, they balanced each other so well, they create a sense of unity in the household that two people in the same could not create. My husband and I do the same I feel, although I am not as extreme as my mother, my house runs very similarly to my parents, Daddy's cool and Mama has rules, Daddy is good with numbers, Mama is good at English. While taking as many psych courses as I could in college (I developed an obsession with psychology courses, still have the obsession) I learned a lot about myself, and what I wanted in a man. Yes, I prefer my caramel colored husband over a pasty white guy any day, but not only that, but that I also wanted a man similar to my father. I think I accomplished all of my goals thus far.
My husband and I have been through more than some people who have been married 60 years have been through, some of the toughest times a couple could have are behind us now, and that is a serious accomplishment. We conquered a serious alcohol addiction on my husbands part, which went along with infidelity while he was drinking, a bad temper, amongst other things. Why did I stay through all of that, well, normally the first sign of infidelity I would have said see you later, but something about my husband (and little 2 year old Gino of course) kept me around, I knew (despite what my mother in law said) that the man I woke up to in the morning (when he was sober) could be around 24 hours a day 7 days a week instead of just when he wasn't drinking. I also had issues of my own, I just got out of a serious relationship, so to be honest in the beginning I didn't take my husband seriously, so those issues didn't bother me to much. I was also in a time of my life where I absolutely hated school, I had an awesome room mate who I had so much fun with drinking and dancing, but was insanely depressed about the past relationship the ended on a "we will work it out when we have time for each other" note, and my husband happened to live downstairs, very convenient. I had avoided the man for MONTHS, approximately 6 months because he had a child and I had been down that road, but lord was he charismatic. I'm tough, a little mean, very blunt, and I don't fall for lines, however, the lines he had were so outrageously hilarious ("I just finished painting my apartment do you want to see?" says future husband "no thanks" I say "I have beer" he says "ok just one" I say, that's the G rated line he used, I won't embarrass him and say the other) and I was in dire need of the company of a man that could make me laugh and NOT cater to my every whim (I am a horrible person, I need a strong willed person because I take advantage of the week unintentionally). I had met plenty of men who wanted to give me the world but they were too nice, I would kill their self confidence and make them cry...so I kept them as friends where they should be, and decided to hang out with this hilarious father that I tried so desperately to avoid. After the angry alcoholic cheater phase, crazy mother in law, issues with baby mama and DCF in and out, a child on the way, moving yet again, cutting ties with people with addiction issues to help in my husbands sobriety, I am not married and have to children with the most amazing, caring, loving, strong willed, talented, hysterical and the list goes on, man that I could have ever found.
I don't know what about Bill Cosby I find unbelievably hysterical, but this movie is one of my favorite movies ever, if you are a parent I highly recommend you watch this stand up, I've seen it at least a hundred times and die laughing every time.
Gino is a very well behaved kid, listens most of the time, does what he asked, doesn't get into things....Deezy however, lord that child. The day before last, I was getting dinner ready in comes Deezy, with the entire ficus plant (roots and all) banging it all around my living room and kitchen. The child has dirt all over his face, making his uni-brow very prominent, there is a line of dirt from the plant through the living room into the kitchen...he has had a fascination with dirt since he could crawl. Then JUST NOW, he's playing with his alphabet toys, I'm writing this blog, I look up because he's quiet...where is he...I go in the kitchen and there are little foot prints in white powder....the pancake mix....and he is about to open the vegetable oil on it. Maybe he is to young to help me cook, because he thinks he can do it on his own. The two are polar opposites, and obviously I have my work cut out for me with Deezy, and we want 4 more...my head may explode. But I wake up and look at my boys sleeping faces, and fall in love all over again, forgetting all the messes and whining, I do love being a mom.
Well, we do not have court until the end of August, there is now a Guardian Ad Litem appointed to our case to give recommendations for what is best for Gino. We had a meeting with her on Monday, and we think our first impression went well, keeping our fingers crossed. She seemed to agree with most of what we were saying about the case, and agreed that I AM Gino's mother....and also said that she finds it ridiculous when a parent can not maintain sobriety for their child. So hopefully, she will be on "our" side...I also have obtained permission from the school that they will speak to her on our behalf...I will also get the pediatrician to speak to the G Ad Litem for us as well. Of course Deezy was acting a fool while we were in the meeting, it irritates me when people are so over-cautious about children, I keep my eye on my kids like a hawk, but Deezy can climb up and down stairs, onto and off of chairs, likes to lift the blinds up and look out the windows, sometimes people over-protect their children, and every 2 minutes she was distracted by Deezy looking out the window thinking he was going for the power outlet. Hopefully she didn't take our "relaxed" parenting at that time for lack of supervision...But over all we think it went well, she also said she is GOING to Gino's bio moms house, so maybe she can see things that are not so good. I don't like to wish bad on people, but this is about my kid, so I do not wish good things on her, because she has done NOTHING good for my son, except bring him into this world. A 34 year old woman should have her life figured out more than a 24 year old man, but she will never grow up and will always be the grime at the bottom and we do not need her negatively impacting Gino's life. Hopefully the G Ad Litem tells the judge what DCF and we want to happen, no visits or anything unless she can maintain long term and treatment and sobriety. And even then, the visits should be supervised in a center by a neutral party and Gino should be able to consent. BLARG this whole thing is frustrating, but so worth it.
My husband and I have been through more than some people who have been married 60 years have been through, some of the toughest times a couple could have are behind us now, and that is a serious accomplishment. We conquered a serious alcohol addiction on my husbands part, which went along with infidelity while he was drinking, a bad temper, amongst other things. Why did I stay through all of that, well, normally the first sign of infidelity I would have said see you later, but something about my husband (and little 2 year old Gino of course) kept me around, I knew (despite what my mother in law said) that the man I woke up to in the morning (when he was sober) could be around 24 hours a day 7 days a week instead of just when he wasn't drinking. I also had issues of my own, I just got out of a serious relationship, so to be honest in the beginning I didn't take my husband seriously, so those issues didn't bother me to much. I was also in a time of my life where I absolutely hated school, I had an awesome room mate who I had so much fun with drinking and dancing, but was insanely depressed about the past relationship the ended on a "we will work it out when we have time for each other" note, and my husband happened to live downstairs, very convenient. I had avoided the man for MONTHS, approximately 6 months because he had a child and I had been down that road, but lord was he charismatic. I'm tough, a little mean, very blunt, and I don't fall for lines, however, the lines he had were so outrageously hilarious ("I just finished painting my apartment do you want to see?" says future husband "no thanks" I say "I have beer" he says "ok just one" I say, that's the G rated line he used, I won't embarrass him and say the other) and I was in dire need of the company of a man that could make me laugh and NOT cater to my every whim (I am a horrible person, I need a strong willed person because I take advantage of the week unintentionally). I had met plenty of men who wanted to give me the world but they were too nice, I would kill their self confidence and make them cry...so I kept them as friends where they should be, and decided to hang out with this hilarious father that I tried so desperately to avoid. After the angry alcoholic cheater phase, crazy mother in law, issues with baby mama and DCF in and out, a child on the way, moving yet again, cutting ties with people with addiction issues to help in my husbands sobriety, I am not married and have to children with the most amazing, caring, loving, strong willed, talented, hysterical and the list goes on, man that I could have ever found.
Bill Cosby: [when his wife sees that he has given the kids cake for breakfast] I've always heard about people having a conniption but I've never seen one. You don't want to see 'em. My wife's face... split. My wife's face split, and the skin and hair split and came off of her face so that there was nothing except the skull. And orange light came out of her hair and there was glitter all around. And fire shot from her eye sockets and began to burn my stomach and she said, "WHERE DID THEY GET CHOCOLATE CAKE FROM?" And I said, "They asked for it!" And the children who had been singing praises to me... LIED on me and said, "Uh-uh! We asked for eggs and milk... AND DAD MADE US EAT THIS!" And my wife sent me to my room... which is where I wanted to go in the first place.
-Bill Cosby: Himself (1983)
I don't know what about Bill Cosby I find unbelievably hysterical, but this movie is one of my favorite movies ever, if you are a parent I highly recommend you watch this stand up, I've seen it at least a hundred times and die laughing every time.
Gino is a very well behaved kid, listens most of the time, does what he asked, doesn't get into things....Deezy however, lord that child. The day before last, I was getting dinner ready in comes Deezy, with the entire ficus plant (roots and all) banging it all around my living room and kitchen. The child has dirt all over his face, making his uni-brow very prominent, there is a line of dirt from the plant through the living room into the kitchen...he has had a fascination with dirt since he could crawl. Then JUST NOW, he's playing with his alphabet toys, I'm writing this blog, I look up because he's quiet...where is he...I go in the kitchen and there are little foot prints in white powder....the pancake mix....and he is about to open the vegetable oil on it. Maybe he is to young to help me cook, because he thinks he can do it on his own. The two are polar opposites, and obviously I have my work cut out for me with Deezy, and we want 4 more...my head may explode. But I wake up and look at my boys sleeping faces, and fall in love all over again, forgetting all the messes and whining, I do love being a mom.
Simply having children does not make mothers. ~John A. Shedd
Well, we do not have court until the end of August, there is now a Guardian Ad Litem appointed to our case to give recommendations for what is best for Gino. We had a meeting with her on Monday, and we think our first impression went well, keeping our fingers crossed. She seemed to agree with most of what we were saying about the case, and agreed that I AM Gino's mother....and also said that she finds it ridiculous when a parent can not maintain sobriety for their child. So hopefully, she will be on "our" side...I also have obtained permission from the school that they will speak to her on our behalf...I will also get the pediatrician to speak to the G Ad Litem for us as well. Of course Deezy was acting a fool while we were in the meeting, it irritates me when people are so over-cautious about children, I keep my eye on my kids like a hawk, but Deezy can climb up and down stairs, onto and off of chairs, likes to lift the blinds up and look out the windows, sometimes people over-protect their children, and every 2 minutes she was distracted by Deezy looking out the window thinking he was going for the power outlet. Hopefully she didn't take our "relaxed" parenting at that time for lack of supervision...But over all we think it went well, she also said she is GOING to Gino's bio moms house, so maybe she can see things that are not so good. I don't like to wish bad on people, but this is about my kid, so I do not wish good things on her, because she has done NOTHING good for my son, except bring him into this world. A 34 year old woman should have her life figured out more than a 24 year old man, but she will never grow up and will always be the grime at the bottom and we do not need her negatively impacting Gino's life. Hopefully the G Ad Litem tells the judge what DCF and we want to happen, no visits or anything unless she can maintain long term and treatment and sobriety. And even then, the visits should be supervised in a center by a neutral party and Gino should be able to consent. BLARG this whole thing is frustrating, but so worth it.
Your children need your presence more than your presents. ~Jesse Jackson
Monday, June 6, 2011
"Can it be a mistake that STRESSED is DESSERTS spelled backwards ??" Unknown
This past weekend was beautiful outside and for the most part very relaxing! My best friend from College stayed over with us, it was great to be able to hang out with her! My husband has Saturdays off during the summer so we decided to wake up early and go to the beach in RI. I feel like the list of things that you have to take to the beach is never ending when you have kids, and of course things were forgotten, like the towels to lay on! So once we hit Providence we attempted to get off the highway to go to a CVS or something to pick up some towels, of course in doing so we got lost, and not only that, but my husband had to use the bathroom really bad. He was not just irritated that he was lost and had to stop to get towels, but on top of that he had to number two, and he had to go really bad. Finally after being lost for an hour, we got to the mall, where instead of parking in the parking lot, my husband stopped in the entrance of parking lot, put his hazards on and RAN into the mall...20 minutes later, we had 5 towels ($12 dollars each, insanity right?), a calmer husband and were on our way to the beach 1.5 hours behind schedule. Parking is always an issue when going to the beach, that of course added another 20 minutes before we actually got onto the beach. We walk towards the entrance to go in and relax, and are stopped by a girl who said it's $6 per person to go on the beach! What in the world?! My husband almost had a fit, but I was not about to have driven over an hour and a half (with detours) not to go to the beach!
Even with the frustrating pre-beach experience, it was so nice to sit out in the sun with the people I love most! If I wasn't keeping my families identity private to the outside world I would post pictures! Gino is not really a fan of going into the ocean past his knees, so he generally hangs out on the beach and digs and makes castles. Deezy however, as I feared, is fearless! My husband and my BF beasted it and went INTO the water! And who was close behind you ask? Deezy was running (waddling really) towards the water as fast as he could, and went in (not all the way) with Daddy! The child is fearless, which in turn terrifies me, he may be a pretty serious handful when he is older. The water was far too cold for me, and I don't like to go in where I can't #1 see the bottom and #2 can't touch the ground. I am a horrible swimmer, the extent of my skills is a fancy doggy paddle, my husband however is an amazing swimmer, which makes me feel better. The day was not as long on the beach as I would have liked, we were later than we would have liked and then it got a little breezy and the kiddies got cold, so of course, the tan I had hoped for was non-existent! But a gorgeous day with my loves non the less.
P90X has been not existent in my life the past few days, and now I feel like a bum! I was on a role for a while, then came all the "distractions"; court, visiting my parents, Gino and Deezy were sick, and now, I'm stuck feeling down on myself because I have been skipping days! While laying in my bathing suit on the beach I looked down at my wrinkly belly button that was once very cute, and actually started to feel like a bum! I am not over weight, I am right where I am supposed to be on the doctor's stupid charts, but when you were used to being small at one point because you were very active (soccer) you can't help but be disappointed in yourself. I lost 15 lbs when I first got pregnant for some reason (I'm sure it had to do with the abrupt stop to a mass amount of calories that I was consuming from alcohol), only gained 20 while pregnant, and then when Andino was born lost all of it and some. and if it were not for this damn wrinkly belly button I would be totally happy (or at least I say that now), after all I'm as small as I was my freshman year in high school. All the Dark Dove chocolate I consume probably doesn't help anything, and I am not a chef in a restaurant so I'm not making different meals every day for every person in my house but I cook pretty healthy, I'm not psycho about it, but we always have a veggie, a starch and a meat/poultry, usually some variation of chicken. I don't like Soda at all, sometimes drink sweet tea, but always drink water (and really sweet coffee from Dunk's maybe that is the culprit). I am constantly running around for this and that, usually its chasing Deezy around. But still, a wrinkly bellybutton and am being a bum about getting back on track with my P90X! I think I will be starting from the very beginning of the program just to feel better. I was a good 20-30 lbs heavier when I met my husband, and he doesn't like the fact that I am trying to be smaller, he would actually like me to gain some weight, but it's not for my husband or anyone else that I want to tone up, it's for me, or is it? I always looks at other moms around here (yuppies really) who clearly have personal trainers, have a spotless house (probably a house keeper), etc. and feel like I am lazy compared to them. My house is in no way spotless, it's impossible to keep up, and no one else does house work, it is definitely a lived in home. If it was actually my house and not my apartment, I would care much more about it's appearance, but I find it hard to really care about this place when I know we will move and any effort made to make this apartment "our style" and neat, would in a way be wasted energy. My husband could also unintentionally be a culprit of why I want to be more toned...I am very lucky to have such a handsome and fit husband, with his 6 pack, gorgeous arms, doesn't have chicken legs, beautiful smile, caramel skin, and my favorite not flat ASSet if you know what I mean. I feel like I look like lazy chunker next to him at times, even though he in no way does anything to make me feel like that! Why do women especially stress about their body sooo much?!
"The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends." Unknown
I feel like no matter what a mother is always stressed about something, even unconsciously, making their patience ware thin fairly quickly. However, that could also be an attribute I acquired from my mother, who with out fail is always in an argument with me whenever I visit. We never have had a good relationship and I fear we never will, very different and very alike at the same time if that makes any sense. Our arguments seldom make sense, and almost always end up as a blow up fight where things are said that are uncalled for. I really hope I don't pass this trait on to my children! That and my temper, which they most likely will have, it's in our blood. I think the title of this post is funny, honestly I had never even noticed that, but it is entertaining. Eating desserts for a short period of time makes you feel better, but then it is a vicious circle, you eat desserts because you are stressed and you are stressed because you eat! Even when I am on the brink of a meltdown, hearing my boys laughing in the other room while playing tag makes everything better. Laughter is contagious, and is the best kind of medicine, when I was little my father's laugh could get anyone going, and now I have my husbands laugh who is equally as contagious and the beautiful sounds of giggles from my boys!
"Laughter is a highly addictive positive contagious: if somebody starts, it's very difficult to stop." Robert Holden
Even with the frustrating pre-beach experience, it was so nice to sit out in the sun with the people I love most! If I wasn't keeping my families identity private to the outside world I would post pictures! Gino is not really a fan of going into the ocean past his knees, so he generally hangs out on the beach and digs and makes castles. Deezy however, as I feared, is fearless! My husband and my BF beasted it and went INTO the water! And who was close behind you ask? Deezy was running (waddling really) towards the water as fast as he could, and went in (not all the way) with Daddy! The child is fearless, which in turn terrifies me, he may be a pretty serious handful when he is older. The water was far too cold for me, and I don't like to go in where I can't #1 see the bottom and #2 can't touch the ground. I am a horrible swimmer, the extent of my skills is a fancy doggy paddle, my husband however is an amazing swimmer, which makes me feel better. The day was not as long on the beach as I would have liked, we were later than we would have liked and then it got a little breezy and the kiddies got cold, so of course, the tan I had hoped for was non-existent! But a gorgeous day with my loves non the less.
"Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air...." Ralph Waldo Emerson
P90X has been not existent in my life the past few days, and now I feel like a bum! I was on a role for a while, then came all the "distractions"; court, visiting my parents, Gino and Deezy were sick, and now, I'm stuck feeling down on myself because I have been skipping days! While laying in my bathing suit on the beach I looked down at my wrinkly belly button that was once very cute, and actually started to feel like a bum! I am not over weight, I am right where I am supposed to be on the doctor's stupid charts, but when you were used to being small at one point because you were very active (soccer) you can't help but be disappointed in yourself. I lost 15 lbs when I first got pregnant for some reason (I'm sure it had to do with the abrupt stop to a mass amount of calories that I was consuming from alcohol), only gained 20 while pregnant, and then when Andino was born lost all of it and some. and if it were not for this damn wrinkly belly button I would be totally happy (or at least I say that now), after all I'm as small as I was my freshman year in high school. All the Dark Dove chocolate I consume probably doesn't help anything, and I am not a chef in a restaurant so I'm not making different meals every day for every person in my house but I cook pretty healthy, I'm not psycho about it, but we always have a veggie, a starch and a meat/poultry, usually some variation of chicken. I don't like Soda at all, sometimes drink sweet tea, but always drink water (and really sweet coffee from Dunk's maybe that is the culprit). I am constantly running around for this and that, usually its chasing Deezy around. But still, a wrinkly bellybutton and am being a bum about getting back on track with my P90X! I think I will be starting from the very beginning of the program just to feel better. I was a good 20-30 lbs heavier when I met my husband, and he doesn't like the fact that I am trying to be smaller, he would actually like me to gain some weight, but it's not for my husband or anyone else that I want to tone up, it's for me, or is it? I always looks at other moms around here (yuppies really) who clearly have personal trainers, have a spotless house (probably a house keeper), etc. and feel like I am lazy compared to them. My house is in no way spotless, it's impossible to keep up, and no one else does house work, it is definitely a lived in home. If it was actually my house and not my apartment, I would care much more about it's appearance, but I find it hard to really care about this place when I know we will move and any effort made to make this apartment "our style" and neat, would in a way be wasted energy. My husband could also unintentionally be a culprit of why I want to be more toned...I am very lucky to have such a handsome and fit husband, with his 6 pack, gorgeous arms, doesn't have chicken legs, beautiful smile, caramel skin, and my favorite not flat ASSet if you know what I mean. I feel like I look like lazy chunker next to him at times, even though he in no way does anything to make me feel like that! Why do women especially stress about their body sooo much?!
"The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends." Unknown
I feel like no matter what a mother is always stressed about something, even unconsciously, making their patience ware thin fairly quickly. However, that could also be an attribute I acquired from my mother, who with out fail is always in an argument with me whenever I visit. We never have had a good relationship and I fear we never will, very different and very alike at the same time if that makes any sense. Our arguments seldom make sense, and almost always end up as a blow up fight where things are said that are uncalled for. I really hope I don't pass this trait on to my children! That and my temper, which they most likely will have, it's in our blood. I think the title of this post is funny, honestly I had never even noticed that, but it is entertaining. Eating desserts for a short period of time makes you feel better, but then it is a vicious circle, you eat desserts because you are stressed and you are stressed because you eat! Even when I am on the brink of a meltdown, hearing my boys laughing in the other room while playing tag makes everything better. Laughter is contagious, and is the best kind of medicine, when I was little my father's laugh could get anyone going, and now I have my husbands laugh who is equally as contagious and the beautiful sounds of giggles from my boys!
"Laughter is a highly addictive positive contagious: if somebody starts, it's very difficult to stop." Robert Holden
Thursday, June 2, 2011
"Drugs are a waste of time. They destroy your memory and your self-respect and everything that goes along with your self-esteem." Kurt Cobain
It has been a few days since I have posted anything on my blog, last week we had court for our little dude Gino amongst other things. Everyone has been asking me what happened and for an update, to be honest I didn't post one because I didn't have an update until now!
Going to court was so frustrating because we had a new judge and had no idea how the day was going to pan out for us. There were three motions that were to be heard that day; The "mother's" motion to reinstate visitation, our motions to impound our address and to modify the custody order. We of course were at court early, as always, there was no one in the court room where we were heard. I'm not sure if any of my readers know what it's like to have one judge for years, have them retire, and then get a new one but it is the most nerve-racking feeling in the world, more so when you have a small child involved. Our DCF worker (who is completely 100 % on our side) was going to try and make it to court with us, but wasn't sure she would be able to because she had another case that day, and the "mother" and her lawyer were not going to be at court until 11. 11:11 roles around; "mother" and lawyer walk into court, lawyer looks as "stank" as always with her horrible attitude and mother looked as shitty as usual with her cargo high waters up her butt, some weird fringe shirt and the blonde hair she has whenever she is using (her hair tends to be a tell-tale sign of her drug use). Her lawyer walks up to us and puts a hair follicle test on Andre's lap that had been court ordered twice that she had never taken, of course after looking it over it was still not the correct hair follicle, it was called a "personal" 5 panel, it was a 10-panel that was requested, the weirder part was she has prescriptions that would show up on a hair follicle that didn't, her hair follicle was "clean". This was disturbing because how could a hair follicle be wrong, they are usually very reliable unlike urine screens; but the Rx drugs she was using were not even showing up. This of course made us incredibly nervous because she had the motion for visitation in, and having this clean hair follicle was a plus 1 for her and minus the happiness of Gino for us. When the Judge entered the court room he was all "optimism" this and that (I am generally a liberal being, on most topics, but he seemed to be too optimistic for my liking) asked my husband why, even with her heroin addiction and frequent relapse, she shouldn't be allowed supervised visitation. "For fucks sake" was the first thing that popped into my head, "we're fucked" we don't have a lawyer and she does. My hubby explained our side pretty well, as best he could being nervous with no lawyer, couldn't explain well enough the difference between legal and physical, but other than that held his own in the court room. THEN, I couldn't believe how low her lawyer tried to hit, her lawyer said that he got "mother" and myself pregnant at the same time (TOTALLY a lie), said that my husband has ever beat me (I almost shit my pants), and that I am the reason he is going for full physical and full legal and the reason that she is not allowed to see Gino...It took everything in me (for those of you that know me, you KNOW I don't hold my tongue and I tend to have a protective and bad temper) to not scream at her lawyer. #1 She did get pregnant again prior to any relationship with me but had an abortion, this was during a period of time when my husband was trying to give her another chance to be an actual mother, obviously did not work #2 my husband would never ever even at his worst ever beat me, Lord help him if he tried I could woop his butt if need be, even when he was at his worst drinking before he got sober, the worst that ever happened was he pushed me out of his way because I was in his face yelling, #3 she said that my husbands mother was trying to keep her from seeing or speaking to Gino before I even came into the picture...I can produce the motion she put in prior to me to prove that she has always said someone else is the reason she doesn't have a relationship with Gino. I think it is appalling that her lawyer and she would bring me into the whole ordeal and not allow me to defend myself or speak on the fucking case. Now, my husband is different from me in many ways, especially in being quick with come backs and what not. Every time her lawyer said something, I had a response and a date in mind, my husband has to stop and think and look in his notes, he's much more relaxed and laid back compared to me. The Judge listened to what people had to say (not everything that wanted to be said) ordered my husband and "mother" to submit a urine screen right then, my husband passed with flying colors and she failed, but apparently had an Rx to back it up. These Rx's that she has are for "back pain", anxiety and PTSD....back pain? they are giving her a fucking narcotic....and not monitoring her consume the Rx....she is a junkie, and this is not being prescribed by a trained addiction DR...it's by an everyday PCP, the reasoning? "There is a lack of treatment" where she resides according to her lawyer and "she has a lot of family support" they clearly are not supportive enough or that is a ball faced lie because she is 34 and still is not obtaining proper treatment. She needs to GO where there is treatment if you ask me, long-term in-patient treatment. The Judge said what is she going to have 6-8 months sober get visitation relapse and have another 6-8 months before she can see the child? Honestly, she shouldn't be allowed in the child's life until she is sober, not a few months here and there....she needs to be sober, the likeliness of that is ZERO. Not to mention, her lawyer did NOT produce her urine screens, so I had my husband call to have them fax copies over. She had many more things in her system than what was prescribed. EX; Oxy's....ecstacy....cocaine....etc. I don't know how she gets away with this, I really don't. She also pulls out these photos from past visits where Gino is "smiling", for fuck's sack, my husband and I have raised Gino to do what he is asked, and there is a gigantic difference between his "being told to smile" smile and his genuinely happy smile, you better believe that the next court date we WILL show the Judge the comparison because there is a huge difference.
To sum it up, the Judge made no decisions because he said he wanted look the case over more closely (A.K.A probably speak with the previous Judge) and we would have a decision on the motions soon, and probably another court date. Today we got the news that no motions were allowed, which to us at the moment is better than her motion for visitation, and no court date before the one that we already have the end of June. That was the best news I received today! SO for now, Gino's happiness is intact and to the best of my husbands and my ability will stay that way. After all, it is about our son Gino, not about her and what she "wants".
People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it simply: by the lives they lead. ~Edith Wharton
Gino's birthday was this week! Time flies and these kids grow up so fast! It feels like yesterday was 3 years ago when I met my husband and Gino. Gino was this short pudgy little thing, who danced to Louis Armstrong with my husband and me, wanted to do everything Daddy did, I bought Curious George books for everyday, gave a trumpet because he liked mine so much, etc. I can't believe that was three years ago! Now he has grown into the size of his head, is so smart, is a great big brother, can write his full name, the list goes on and on. I am one of those people that reminisces from time to time (more than time to time) I like to look at old pictures/videos, and I can't believe how much both of my children have grown, and how much they are like my husband and I. It's very entertaining at times to pick out different traits each of our kids has and designate it to either parent, it's crazy how much your children are like you (biological or not), they make you learn about yourself and your parenting techniques. For instance; my husband gets easily frustrated, so do both of my boys, my husband is also very active and works with his hands, both boys are just like him in that sense (especially Deezy, that child is so overactive). Me, I have an Italian temper, I am Italian and Puerto Rican so it runs in my blood, both of my kids have my temper, it can be very entertaining. I am also a musician, trumpet (used to sing as well, not so much anymore) and both of my kids love music. Sometimes it's hard not to laugh at them when they act like us, it makes you feel ridiculous seeing it when it's not you acting like them. No parent is perfect, if you think you are you're in denial, there is always something that can be improved, for me it's being more compassionate and not such a hard ass (I am the "mean" parent because I give time outs and have rules). When you are raised one way it is difficult not to act the way your parents did. My parents were not compassionate towards me (nor some of their other children, they definitely pick favorites) I was close with my father for a very long time, but that relationship was wrecked for multiple reasons. You were lucky if you could beat an "I love you" out of either of them, even now my dad doesn't say "I love you" he says "me to you"...really? it is the same amount of words, why is it so difficult? So I make it a point to say I love you multiple times a day, kiss and hug them even when I am angry...do I baby them when they fall down? No, I hate whining...and think it is absurd when people baby their kids every time they fall. If they fall down the stairs or actually hurt themselves, of course I'll comfort them, but Gino cries every time he gets a splinter, that I ignore. Could I parent a little girl is the next question, we want four more kids, will I get a girl (no idea), I think she would be a tom boy because I was, and the whining from little girls is worse than boys (that could be an issue, maybe it would make me more compassionate?), but honestly I think my husband would have a harder time with her in her teenage years, he doesn't like it when I have an inch of cleavage showing, wait, she will be just like I was, belly showing, boobs out, good lord, thinking about it is making me laugh. Yup, my husband will have a heart attack...
The kids are running in and out of the kitchen, laughing, over-tired maybe? I love this sound, and from now until Sunday the Angry Italian landlord is gone so we can allow it. It is now time for me to enjoy MY beautiful family (maybe with some scolding in between, Deezy is taking out the cat food as I write), cuddle with my husband and congratulate him on passing two ASE's (mechanic tests, that he thought he was going to fail, pessimistic he is, I told him he would pass) that's another 2 bucks an hour anywhere he works, and of course he is already talking about taking the next 7 tests (never good enough). Good night all, until next time.
Going to court was so frustrating because we had a new judge and had no idea how the day was going to pan out for us. There were three motions that were to be heard that day; The "mother's" motion to reinstate visitation, our motions to impound our address and to modify the custody order. We of course were at court early, as always, there was no one in the court room where we were heard. I'm not sure if any of my readers know what it's like to have one judge for years, have them retire, and then get a new one but it is the most nerve-racking feeling in the world, more so when you have a small child involved. Our DCF worker (who is completely 100 % on our side) was going to try and make it to court with us, but wasn't sure she would be able to because she had another case that day, and the "mother" and her lawyer were not going to be at court until 11. 11:11 roles around; "mother" and lawyer walk into court, lawyer looks as "stank" as always with her horrible attitude and mother looked as shitty as usual with her cargo high waters up her butt, some weird fringe shirt and the blonde hair she has whenever she is using (her hair tends to be a tell-tale sign of her drug use). Her lawyer walks up to us and puts a hair follicle test on Andre's lap that had been court ordered twice that she had never taken, of course after looking it over it was still not the correct hair follicle, it was called a "personal" 5 panel, it was a 10-panel that was requested, the weirder part was she has prescriptions that would show up on a hair follicle that didn't, her hair follicle was "clean". This was disturbing because how could a hair follicle be wrong, they are usually very reliable unlike urine screens; but the Rx drugs she was using were not even showing up. This of course made us incredibly nervous because she had the motion for visitation in, and having this clean hair follicle was a plus 1 for her and minus the happiness of Gino for us. When the Judge entered the court room he was all "optimism" this and that (I am generally a liberal being, on most topics, but he seemed to be too optimistic for my liking) asked my husband why, even with her heroin addiction and frequent relapse, she shouldn't be allowed supervised visitation. "For fucks sake" was the first thing that popped into my head, "we're fucked" we don't have a lawyer and she does. My hubby explained our side pretty well, as best he could being nervous with no lawyer, couldn't explain well enough the difference between legal and physical, but other than that held his own in the court room. THEN, I couldn't believe how low her lawyer tried to hit, her lawyer said that he got "mother" and myself pregnant at the same time (TOTALLY a lie), said that my husband has ever beat me (I almost shit my pants), and that I am the reason he is going for full physical and full legal and the reason that she is not allowed to see Gino...It took everything in me (for those of you that know me, you KNOW I don't hold my tongue and I tend to have a protective and bad temper) to not scream at her lawyer. #1 She did get pregnant again prior to any relationship with me but had an abortion, this was during a period of time when my husband was trying to give her another chance to be an actual mother, obviously did not work #2 my husband would never ever even at his worst ever beat me, Lord help him if he tried I could woop his butt if need be, even when he was at his worst drinking before he got sober, the worst that ever happened was he pushed me out of his way because I was in his face yelling, #3 she said that my husbands mother was trying to keep her from seeing or speaking to Gino before I even came into the picture...I can produce the motion she put in prior to me to prove that she has always said someone else is the reason she doesn't have a relationship with Gino. I think it is appalling that her lawyer and she would bring me into the whole ordeal and not allow me to defend myself or speak on the fucking case. Now, my husband is different from me in many ways, especially in being quick with come backs and what not. Every time her lawyer said something, I had a response and a date in mind, my husband has to stop and think and look in his notes, he's much more relaxed and laid back compared to me. The Judge listened to what people had to say (not everything that wanted to be said) ordered my husband and "mother" to submit a urine screen right then, my husband passed with flying colors and she failed, but apparently had an Rx to back it up. These Rx's that she has are for "back pain", anxiety and PTSD....back pain? they are giving her a fucking narcotic....and not monitoring her consume the Rx....she is a junkie, and this is not being prescribed by a trained addiction DR...it's by an everyday PCP, the reasoning? "There is a lack of treatment" where she resides according to her lawyer and "she has a lot of family support" they clearly are not supportive enough or that is a ball faced lie because she is 34 and still is not obtaining proper treatment. She needs to GO where there is treatment if you ask me, long-term in-patient treatment. The Judge said what is she going to have 6-8 months sober get visitation relapse and have another 6-8 months before she can see the child? Honestly, she shouldn't be allowed in the child's life until she is sober, not a few months here and there....she needs to be sober, the likeliness of that is ZERO. Not to mention, her lawyer did NOT produce her urine screens, so I had my husband call to have them fax copies over. She had many more things in her system than what was prescribed. EX; Oxy's....ecstacy....cocaine....etc. I don't know how she gets away with this, I really don't. She also pulls out these photos from past visits where Gino is "smiling", for fuck's sack, my husband and I have raised Gino to do what he is asked, and there is a gigantic difference between his "being told to smile" smile and his genuinely happy smile, you better believe that the next court date we WILL show the Judge the comparison because there is a huge difference.
To sum it up, the Judge made no decisions because he said he wanted look the case over more closely (A.K.A probably speak with the previous Judge) and we would have a decision on the motions soon, and probably another court date. Today we got the news that no motions were allowed, which to us at the moment is better than her motion for visitation, and no court date before the one that we already have the end of June. That was the best news I received today! SO for now, Gino's happiness is intact and to the best of my husbands and my ability will stay that way. After all, it is about our son Gino, not about her and what she "wants".
People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it simply: by the lives they lead. ~Edith Wharton
Gino's birthday was this week! Time flies and these kids grow up so fast! It feels like yesterday was 3 years ago when I met my husband and Gino. Gino was this short pudgy little thing, who danced to Louis Armstrong with my husband and me, wanted to do everything Daddy did, I bought Curious George books for everyday, gave a trumpet because he liked mine so much, etc. I can't believe that was three years ago! Now he has grown into the size of his head, is so smart, is a great big brother, can write his full name, the list goes on and on. I am one of those people that reminisces from time to time (more than time to time) I like to look at old pictures/videos, and I can't believe how much both of my children have grown, and how much they are like my husband and I. It's very entertaining at times to pick out different traits each of our kids has and designate it to either parent, it's crazy how much your children are like you (biological or not), they make you learn about yourself and your parenting techniques. For instance; my husband gets easily frustrated, so do both of my boys, my husband is also very active and works with his hands, both boys are just like him in that sense (especially Deezy, that child is so overactive). Me, I have an Italian temper, I am Italian and Puerto Rican so it runs in my blood, both of my kids have my temper, it can be very entertaining. I am also a musician, trumpet (used to sing as well, not so much anymore) and both of my kids love music. Sometimes it's hard not to laugh at them when they act like us, it makes you feel ridiculous seeing it when it's not you acting like them. No parent is perfect, if you think you are you're in denial, there is always something that can be improved, for me it's being more compassionate and not such a hard ass (I am the "mean" parent because I give time outs and have rules). When you are raised one way it is difficult not to act the way your parents did. My parents were not compassionate towards me (nor some of their other children, they definitely pick favorites) I was close with my father for a very long time, but that relationship was wrecked for multiple reasons. You were lucky if you could beat an "I love you" out of either of them, even now my dad doesn't say "I love you" he says "me to you"...really? it is the same amount of words, why is it so difficult? So I make it a point to say I love you multiple times a day, kiss and hug them even when I am angry...do I baby them when they fall down? No, I hate whining...and think it is absurd when people baby their kids every time they fall. If they fall down the stairs or actually hurt themselves, of course I'll comfort them, but Gino cries every time he gets a splinter, that I ignore. Could I parent a little girl is the next question, we want four more kids, will I get a girl (no idea), I think she would be a tom boy because I was, and the whining from little girls is worse than boys (that could be an issue, maybe it would make me more compassionate?), but honestly I think my husband would have a harder time with her in her teenage years, he doesn't like it when I have an inch of cleavage showing, wait, she will be just like I was, belly showing, boobs out, good lord, thinking about it is making me laugh. Yup, my husband will have a heart attack...
The kids are running in and out of the kitchen, laughing, over-tired maybe? I love this sound, and from now until Sunday the Angry Italian landlord is gone so we can allow it. It is now time for me to enjoy MY beautiful family (maybe with some scolding in between, Deezy is taking out the cat food as I write), cuddle with my husband and congratulate him on passing two ASE's (mechanic tests, that he thought he was going to fail, pessimistic he is, I told him he would pass) that's another 2 bucks an hour anywhere he works, and of course he is already talking about taking the next 7 tests (never good enough). Good night all, until next time.
"We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh." Agnes Repplier
Monday, May 23, 2011
"I believe that the only people that should be around an child and raising a child are people who absolutely, 100 percent love that child." Angelina Jolie
I'm not really a fan of Angelina Jolie normally (she's a good actress, but I'm a Jennifer fan) but this quote stuck with me this morning, it's very true. You can't fully love a child if you don't love yourself, doing heroin, not consistently participating in the child's life, not obtaining proper long term treatment, not caring what the child is doing in school, how the child's health is or what his friggin' interests are is not loving the child at all. Giving birth doesn't make you a mother, and it doesn't automatically make you love the child and most certainly doesn't make that child love you.
He who eats alone chokes alone. ~Proverb
We decided to get creative at dinner last night (unhealthy really) and make buffalo chicken nachos (clearly Gino never ate that if he sees a piece of black peppercorn he cries that it's spicy) and a BBQ chicken pasta with bacon, onion and scallions. I saw the pasta on Nate Berkus and I knew Gino and Deezy would love it (Daddy and I, not so much, too much BBQ not enough chicken). We think it is important to eat meals together, it can get stressful at times (Gino takes two hours to eat everything!) but it's still an important family value that is dying in our country. Parents wonder why there kids don't talk to them and are getting intro trouble, if you sat down all together at the dinner table, maybe you would know what went on in their day. When I was growing up, we all ate together at the dinner table, I have fond memories from child hood of my father and older sister laughing hysterically at this and that. I remember coming down in the morning (my father was a professor of Anthropology at a NYC college so he only taught two days a week and the rest of his days was home) to my sister and father singing (to the tune of Good Morning, Good morning from Singing in the Rain) "Good morning, Good moorrnninggg! How'd you like to bite my butt" and then we would all let out great laughs. When things are running smoothly at dinner with no crying about not liking this or that, meal times are generally very pleasant in our house. Gino is often telling some story from school, something gross he did or saw, or laughing at my big "kid (A.K.A Daddy). The best part is when my husband does something and Gino starts laughing, he has a lazy-ish eye when he laughs that blinks crazy while the other one stays half open, then Deezy starts laughing that cute baby belly laugh. It's impossible not to smile and laugh along with them. My husband has that contagious laugh just like my father, you could be watching TV and think something is really stupid but for some reason they laugh hard, and you cant help but laugh with them (or at them ). That is one of the things I love most about my husband, could be sooooo angry at him (like this weekend, I wanted to smack him) but it's literally impossible for me not to laugh when he tries to make me smile. Then almost immediately, you feel better after a good giggle or laugh.
"Laughter is the way to true love" -unknown
Every day that I am a mother, I realize more and more what I picked up from my parents. I always said growing up (I'm sure many of you said it too) "When I have kids I am NEVER going to do that!" but in reality, you will or do, you end up doing some of the things you swore you never would. My parents made us eat all of our dinner even if we didn't like it, because it's healthy and it's rude to yuck the chef's yums. I think it is important for a child to learn to eat the food in front of them (in my house there is always a veggie, a meat/poultry, and a rice/potato/pasta,etc so for health reasons it's important they eat their food) for many reasons. I am very strict about mealtime, partly because that's how I was raised, but also my son Gino was premature and his "mother's" prenatal care was very bad (smoking, drugs, drinking) so he was born 10 steps behind other kids. When it comes to vegetables I am lucky if there are any left by the time dinner is on the table, Gino loves to help me cook and usually eats all my peppers, carrots, beans. I also can't stand whining, so you get until the count of three and if you don't properly you can sit on time out (for Gino its 4 almost 5 minutes because he is almost 5) and then come back and finish, you don't get out of eating in my house, you'll sit and eat until it's gone. Call me crazy and strict, but it is important to have a child eat even what they do not care for so they get all the vitamins and minerals, otherwise Gino would eat doughnuts and that's it. Deezy loves food, the buffalo chicken nachos we made, he ate some, made faces and stuck his tongue out but kept taking more out of the bowl, if I didn't breast feed him still I think he would eat me out of house and home already!
"Without discipline, there's no life at all." Katharine Hepburn
You know you are doing your job as a mother and doing it well when a child's teachers (multiple, not just one) come up to you and tell you that "You have the kids that parent's wished they had." So for some people I may be strict, if expecting a child to eat, not whine, do what is asked of him with out a bad attitude, and time outs is strict, then so be it I am strict, but it has paid off and I don't have those unruly children that are rude and freak out in public. However, I am not the mother (parents) that I saw in Ihop scolding their child telling him (who looked no more than 7 or 8) that if the spankings weren't enough they could do whippings, etc. Those parents brought me to tears and made me so unbelievably angry that I was shaking, what was equally disturbing were the people around them saying nothing. Believe you me I confronted them and told them they were disgusting and the way they spoke to their CHILD was appalling and that they should be ashamed of themselves. That poor kid, thinking about him still makes me wish I had done something more than confront them. I may be strict and expect proper behavior, but there is a line that is not so fine that I would never cross. I love my children and can't believe anyone could treat a child like that. Honestly, there is this show called "What would you DO?", I half expected that host to come out and speak to me that's how much it upset me.
We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. ~Stacia Tauscher
Saturday, May 21, 2011
"... you know how bad a mother you have to be to lose custody of your children ... OJ has custody of his children ..." Howard Stern
I believe in second chances...third and fourth even, sometimes it takes an extra chance or two to get things right...But five (5) years of chances is absurd! Yesterday, after I got back from a park trip with Deezy and a friend of mine, the doorbell rang and the USPS guy was unloading two huge packages (which I had expected because of the letter "mother" wrote to Maddox), these were XMAS presents that she didn't get to give to Gino because she had her own visitation rights terminated and lost her post-Xmas visit. Of course the boxes were letting of an intense smell of cigarette smoke in my non-smoking house-hold, that was #1 that irritated me. I let the boxes sit in the kitchen over night, I put a motion in to impound our address to make her think we moved so she wouldn't just show up at our house and throw a brick threw the window in the room where our son slept. But, unlike her, we don't lie in court so we can't very well say we moved, that would be lying under oath, we are planning on moving sometime soon however, so that is why we will say we are impounding our address. So this morning, I woke up, I can't return them to her she will bring it up in court, so I decided to check to see what she sent. Previously when she has actually given him something, it's been a pretend gun or something, we do not allow toy weapons in our house, so of course I will check. (I used to smoke a lot of cigarettes, that's not the part that annoys me, but I never smoked inside, it's gross and everything smells disgusting) Opening these boxes I was practically holding my breath, it smelled like old cigarettes. These things she is sending are going to a child, with severe asthma and I can barely open the box, that was #2 that irritated the crap out of me. While going through everything, just about all the clothes she sent were not his size and had characters he doesn't even watch anymore on them. Not only that but second hand, which is not usually a problem, but this woman rarely pays support and doesn't even get visits with the child, I think she should be able to splurge take some money out of her heroin habit and get the kid new stuff, not used. wrong sizes, characters he voices he doesn't like anymore, and old and that makes reason #3 why I was irritated. While looking through everything, there was cars things (which he still likes one thing she got right), She clearly has no interest in anything that could possibly help him gain any type of knowledge, books (which he loves and will pick OVER playing with toys hands down every time) are never something she sends him. Of course AGAIN there was a ton of this character (Thomas) who he grew out of 2 years ago, he stopped liking Thomas BEFORE the last time you gave him a whole bunch of Thomas videos (which he never watched, maybe he watched one once). She clearly has no idea what my kid likes, what his interests are or anything, I'm sure she never bothered to ask him anything like that when she was allowed visits. There was also a bunch of matchbox cars, that are beat up and used in a broken box from old cars sneakers (why she has a child's used shoe box is beyond me), he does have an interest in cars of any kind though because his father is an amazing mechanic. And a doll, which Gino has a huge thing against because he says "ew that's for girls" he is anti anything that would make him feel like he was playing with anything that had to do with a girl. If she was a good mother, sincerely cared about Gino, participated in all aspects of his life, etc. I would not have an issue, I DO however have a serious issue with a woman who has merely filed motions after motions in court to get visits, phone calls, etc. with a child and one awarded them didn't give a fuck anymore and shot up in her arm, neck, toe w.e again and thought it was alright. If she cared at all about him she would be actively involved in his life and would be doing what needed to be done to at least have visitation, instead she doesn't obey court orders and thinks she can get away with using. If she gave a crap about my kid, she would have asked him what he liked, I would put money down she doesn't know what his favorite color his, what his favorite character from cars is, That he can write his name or how he writes his name and writes MAMA on things addressed to me, I bet she doesn't know who his two favorite teachers are, how he acts when he is nervous, what his favorite books are, who his best friends are at school, who is school GF is or his grown up one, etc I could make the list go on and on. Never has she asked about his dental/mental/medical information, how he is doing in school...not a thing. She has merely attempted to get visits and when she was allowed she with out fail fucked up every time.
There is such thing as "child time" my mother always talked about it, it's completely right. In adult time, 5 years isn't a long time to wait for something or be introduced to something new, but try to ask a child to wait 5 years for something. How is it fair for her to ask Gino to wait for her and consider her mommy while she gets sober and gets her life under control (which most likely will never happen) when he has a loving and stable family right here. Would you tell your child he/she has to wait 5 years before they could get loved the way they were supposed to? This child has never had a relationship with her, even though she has been given ample opportunities to have a relationship with him. She is so naive to think that he ever draws her pictures or even wants to for that matter, naive to think that he ever misses her and "talks" to her, naive to think he thinks of her as anything more than the occasional toy here or there, there is no mutual love or respect between the two of them, just an obedience on Gino's part to eventually stop crying and do what he is told/forced to do when visits are occurring.
Last night, my husband was doing work on his best friends car and the kids, my best friend, my brother and I all tagged along. There is nothing like sitting around a table, (attempting) to eat food fresh off the grill, watching the kids run around together laughing and so intensely curious about what Daddy is doing. Granted, I was irritated about the damn packages sent earlier in the day and the fact "I only have to do a break job" turned into about 4 other things on the car (I am intense when it comes to planned things changing, I got that from my mother). Even with that, it's pretty much impossible to not love seeing my kids chasing each other and running, and so interested in what Daddy is doing. It was also nice to reminisce in childhood memories with my brother (who is currently living with us) and memories with my best friend. It's always (almost always) good to see my husband's best friend from HS he's good with the kids (he is Gino's godfather, pretty much Deezy's too) and probably the only friend of his I actually like, don't get me wrong he's done some stuff to irritate me (like call at 1:30 in the A.M to tell my husband his ex gf wanted his address, not so bright) but he's a good guy.
When you get pregnant and/or have children, you really learn who/what matters and who/what doesn't, you make new friends (usually who also have children) and occasionally one or two pre-kids friends stick around, but everything changes when you are a parent. It's a drastic change that I am completely alright with, and the weird thing is I could sit at home and hang out with my kids and that's it, be completely fine with it. It's hard to get bored when you have kids, there is always something to do (however, I would rather hang out with the kids then do the load of laundry in front of the machine). My interests and favorite things have changed from trumpet, hanging out with friends and have a few shots of whiskey (not on the rocks and not chilled) to watching my kids sleeping because they smile and laugh in their sleep,wondering what they are dreaming about, pretending I'm not watching the two of them while they play because I don't want the laughing to end, watching how my husband turns into a huge teddy bear when he is around our kids, and getting tears in my eyes every time I look at both Gino and Deezy and think how much they have grown.
Being a "mother" is easy, it's easy to be with child, but being a GOOD mother is a challenge that only a real woman can handle.
There is such thing as "child time" my mother always talked about it, it's completely right. In adult time, 5 years isn't a long time to wait for something or be introduced to something new, but try to ask a child to wait 5 years for something. How is it fair for her to ask Gino to wait for her and consider her mommy while she gets sober and gets her life under control (which most likely will never happen) when he has a loving and stable family right here. Would you tell your child he/she has to wait 5 years before they could get loved the way they were supposed to? This child has never had a relationship with her, even though she has been given ample opportunities to have a relationship with him. She is so naive to think that he ever draws her pictures or even wants to for that matter, naive to think that he ever misses her and "talks" to her, naive to think he thinks of her as anything more than the occasional toy here or there, there is no mutual love or respect between the two of them, just an obedience on Gino's part to eventually stop crying and do what he is told/forced to do when visits are occurring.
"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life..." Richard Bach
Last night, my husband was doing work on his best friends car and the kids, my best friend, my brother and I all tagged along. There is nothing like sitting around a table, (attempting) to eat food fresh off the grill, watching the kids run around together laughing and so intensely curious about what Daddy is doing. Granted, I was irritated about the damn packages sent earlier in the day and the fact "I only have to do a break job" turned into about 4 other things on the car (I am intense when it comes to planned things changing, I got that from my mother). Even with that, it's pretty much impossible to not love seeing my kids chasing each other and running, and so interested in what Daddy is doing. It was also nice to reminisce in childhood memories with my brother (who is currently living with us) and memories with my best friend. It's always (almost always) good to see my husband's best friend from HS he's good with the kids (he is Gino's godfather, pretty much Deezy's too) and probably the only friend of his I actually like, don't get me wrong he's done some stuff to irritate me (like call at 1:30 in the A.M to tell my husband his ex gf wanted his address, not so bright) but he's a good guy.
When you get pregnant and/or have children, you really learn who/what matters and who/what doesn't, you make new friends (usually who also have children) and occasionally one or two pre-kids friends stick around, but everything changes when you are a parent. It's a drastic change that I am completely alright with, and the weird thing is I could sit at home and hang out with my kids and that's it, be completely fine with it. It's hard to get bored when you have kids, there is always something to do (however, I would rather hang out with the kids then do the load of laundry in front of the machine). My interests and favorite things have changed from trumpet, hanging out with friends and have a few shots of whiskey (not on the rocks and not chilled) to watching my kids sleeping because they smile and laugh in their sleep,wondering what they are dreaming about, pretending I'm not watching the two of them while they play because I don't want the laughing to end, watching how my husband turns into a huge teddy bear when he is around our kids, and getting tears in my eyes every time I look at both Gino and Deezy and think how much they have grown.
Being a "mother" is easy, it's easy to be with child, but being a GOOD mother is a challenge that only a real woman can handle.
"Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist."
- Michael Levine
Friday, May 20, 2011
“When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.” Sophia Loren
Unfortunately, there are a lot of women who don't think for their child, they just think for themselves. Prime example, Gino's "Mother". No matter how long and hard I think about it, I just will never understand how you could do what she has done to him so far in his short 5 year existence. I understand the idea of addiction, as I said in my last blog, by husband is and will always be an alcoholic, there is no cure, but he does live day by day staying sober for his family. I have also had my fair share of issues in life, like I said I am far from perfect, people who knew me when I was in high school and in my early college career KNOW I am not perfect. Usually people grow up and figure out what is important versus what isn't important, and some people don't. When I found out my husband and I were having a baby (he wasn't my husband at the time, just my fiance) that was the end of my daily ( I mean daily, morning noon and night) drinking and I focuses on work, school and making sure I was taking care of myself properly, because THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU MAKE THE CHOICE TO BECOME A PARENT. Yes, it IS a choice, I am a firm believer in that. My husband also got his act together and got sober, he went to meetings, one on one counseling, it's not easy I am not trying to make it sound as such, but when you are about to bring a child into the world (or already have) it should be a fucking no brainer! If you honestly gave a rats ass about the child, you'd either get your shit together or you'd do the right thing and back off and allow people who have their life together and love him the way he needs to be loved do their fucking job. Yes, this topic irritates the crap out of me, every time I feel on ease about our family and our stability something (from the court/snatcher) comes around and throws everything off kilter. This woman ONLY pays chunks of child support when court comes around to make herself look better. We could care less about the support honestly, the measly $35 a week does nothing to help. We would rather have no support and have her gone and out of our life. Not only did we receive a payment (that is supposed to be weekly, but she has NEVER paid weekly) she sent a letter to Gino, saying things like remember you can draw me a picture when you miss me (this is the FIRST time EVER she has written the child anything) and talk to me because I will hear you, and that NO one can take THAT away from us, and that "Daddy and I are just trying to figure out a ay to SHARE you"...Gino is not an object, he is not a toy, you don't share a child, and besides that's not what is going on so why would you lie to him....listen, never once has my son even said he wanted to draw her a picture, he NEVER talks about her, Never asks to see her,said he didn't want the pictures she gave him of herself...I save everything so when he gets older he can see, but I will not be reading that letter to him the whole letter was lies to my kid and my husband and I have made it a point not to lie to him, think of me as you may. We don't go into detail about what her issues are with him, he wouldn't understand, but we don't lie when we have court we tell him what it's for, and he always says I hope we win! He knows court dates are about him and visitation, no point in lying to the kid, he is very smart/bright and would be angry at US later in life if we lied.
We put a lot into how we raise our children, I am VERY opinionated (pushy at times) and we strive to make sure Gino and Deezy know right from wrong; don't hit/punch/kick/bite, eat all of your food (I am oober strict about that, it's the only way to ensure proper nutrition), hugs and kisses, Gino loves to read, pick up your toys (even though I'm by no means a neat freak), say excuse me when gross noises come out of your body (I'm a kid at heart I still laugh but at least be polite), the list goes on. My husband is the good guy, he's not as strict as I am, however, we have had many talks about discipline and we back each-others decisions (at least in front of the kiddies). I am crazy when it comes to treating the children fairly and equally, I do realize Gino has had a rough first 5 years, but don't treat a child like they are damaged goods because they will act like they are. That may be something my husband and I disagree on most, but I stand by my belief because I went through a lot of what Gino went through, and treating a child like "damaged goods" will make them act like they are.
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. ~Franklin P. Jones
Lord knows my patience can ware thin at times, Gino has a tendency to whine when he isn't getting his way (something he picked up immediately when he started pre-school) why he thinks I will give in this time is beyond me, I never give in to whining, actually it gets you on time out. And good lord, Deezy gets into everything, hides EVERYTHING and has a serious nose for food. Honestly I thought I finished those thin mints a month ago and he comes into the kitchen holding two that he apparently hid somewhere, with a sneaky grin on his face! Gino and Deezy have two very different personalities, Gino is very sweet, almost always listens, helps out, and is shy. Deezy is a sweetheart with a "tude", mr. smarty pants really, he knows when he is doing something he is not supposed to and he'll back away from you, turn and run! He's a character, and a HUGE flirt, put just about any female in front of him and he whips out the smile and charm, very charismatic like his father. However, they both test my patience on a daily basis, but looking at those little dudes running around together and laughing is totally worth how much than can really push my buttons! If I wasn't worried about keeping my kids names/identities unknown I would be posting pictures, I AM that mom that takes a thousand pictures and brags about her kids and I am not ashamed to do so!
I am not a perfect mother, I learned many good and bad techniques of parenting from my parents. I am stricter than some, but not as strict as my parents. I want the best for my children, and expect a lot. I have high standards because I know their potential. I work everyday on being a more compassionate mother than mine was, hugs and kisses always, taking an interest in what happened at school because unlike at my parents house, I do want to hear. I tell my children multiple times every day I love them and that they are doing a good job with every little thing they do and accomplish (even if it's picking up their toys). I am not perfect, I have lessons to learn even though I have learned many lessons already. My kids teach me more than I could ever have imagined they would, it is amazing to watch their curiosity grow and change. At a young age they show their interests and a bit of what their adult personality will be like. I am a tough cookie, I expect a lot, but I love them with everything I've got, so much it makes me cry at times thinking about it, they grow so quickly and even when irritated I try and stop and think how amazing they are and how quickly they grow...Take a moment to appreciate every moment with them, the don't stay little forever.
"If you're gonna screw up, do it while you're young. Older you get, the harder it is to bounce back." Winston Groom
I always thought the most important thing in life for me was to play trumpet and get my music education degree, now that is still important to me but not as important as raising my munchkins. Two years ago, when we were getting sober, losing people that made that more difficult and trying to better ourselves for our children, my husbands mother did some really messed up and shady things to us. For one, she stole my trumpet and pawned it or threw it out...it's gone, at the time that was the most important thing to me, my father gave it to me. To this day, she still denies it, however it was in her house (which was actually my husbands apartment) and she and my husband were the only ones who had access to the house and my trumpet. It would be silly for that to be the only reason we don't have anything to do with his mother any more, there are way more serious reasons for that, but that is a little more private. However, I will NEVER put my children with a person that could make a false accusation and have them taken away, so if my husband decides he wants to make amends with that woman that is on him, I will support him with that and only that ( I would prefer that not happen because of how much she lies and how manipulative she is). She will not, I repeat will NOT have a relationship with these children, she is not a good role model, never was, not for her own kids and not for ours. Never said she didn't love them, she does, but love isn't enough ever to be honest, especially when you have brought negative things upon yourself MORE than once. I am a mother, I need to protect my children, and that means keeping them away from anyone that may affect their stability and happiness. Her past makes it more than extremely doubtful she will pull some garbage again if given the chance, it is my responsibility to make sure she does not have the chance, and my husband fully agrees with me, especially since she is still acting all "buddy buddy" with the other junkie "mother". Still seems to be in denial about why we are not speaking, she clearly has not learned from her mistakes.
"The only mistake in life is the lesson not learned." Albert Einstein
We put a lot into how we raise our children, I am VERY opinionated (pushy at times) and we strive to make sure Gino and Deezy know right from wrong; don't hit/punch/kick/bite, eat all of your food (I am oober strict about that, it's the only way to ensure proper nutrition), hugs and kisses, Gino loves to read, pick up your toys (even though I'm by no means a neat freak), say excuse me when gross noises come out of your body (I'm a kid at heart I still laugh but at least be polite), the list goes on. My husband is the good guy, he's not as strict as I am, however, we have had many talks about discipline and we back each-others decisions (at least in front of the kiddies). I am crazy when it comes to treating the children fairly and equally, I do realize Gino has had a rough first 5 years, but don't treat a child like they are damaged goods because they will act like they are. That may be something my husband and I disagree on most, but I stand by my belief because I went through a lot of what Gino went through, and treating a child like "damaged goods" will make them act like they are.
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. ~Franklin P. Jones
Lord knows my patience can ware thin at times, Gino has a tendency to whine when he isn't getting his way (something he picked up immediately when he started pre-school) why he thinks I will give in this time is beyond me, I never give in to whining, actually it gets you on time out. And good lord, Deezy gets into everything, hides EVERYTHING and has a serious nose for food. Honestly I thought I finished those thin mints a month ago and he comes into the kitchen holding two that he apparently hid somewhere, with a sneaky grin on his face! Gino and Deezy have two very different personalities, Gino is very sweet, almost always listens, helps out, and is shy. Deezy is a sweetheart with a "tude", mr. smarty pants really, he knows when he is doing something he is not supposed to and he'll back away from you, turn and run! He's a character, and a HUGE flirt, put just about any female in front of him and he whips out the smile and charm, very charismatic like his father. However, they both test my patience on a daily basis, but looking at those little dudes running around together and laughing is totally worth how much than can really push my buttons! If I wasn't worried about keeping my kids names/identities unknown I would be posting pictures, I AM that mom that takes a thousand pictures and brags about her kids and I am not ashamed to do so!
I am not a perfect mother, I learned many good and bad techniques of parenting from my parents. I am stricter than some, but not as strict as my parents. I want the best for my children, and expect a lot. I have high standards because I know their potential. I work everyday on being a more compassionate mother than mine was, hugs and kisses always, taking an interest in what happened at school because unlike at my parents house, I do want to hear. I tell my children multiple times every day I love them and that they are doing a good job with every little thing they do and accomplish (even if it's picking up their toys). I am not perfect, I have lessons to learn even though I have learned many lessons already. My kids teach me more than I could ever have imagined they would, it is amazing to watch their curiosity grow and change. At a young age they show their interests and a bit of what their adult personality will be like. I am a tough cookie, I expect a lot, but I love them with everything I've got, so much it makes me cry at times thinking about it, they grow so quickly and even when irritated I try and stop and think how amazing they are and how quickly they grow...Take a moment to appreciate every moment with them, the don't stay little forever.
"If you're gonna screw up, do it while you're young. Older you get, the harder it is to bounce back." Winston Groom
I always thought the most important thing in life for me was to play trumpet and get my music education degree, now that is still important to me but not as important as raising my munchkins. Two years ago, when we were getting sober, losing people that made that more difficult and trying to better ourselves for our children, my husbands mother did some really messed up and shady things to us. For one, she stole my trumpet and pawned it or threw it out...it's gone, at the time that was the most important thing to me, my father gave it to me. To this day, she still denies it, however it was in her house (which was actually my husbands apartment) and she and my husband were the only ones who had access to the house and my trumpet. It would be silly for that to be the only reason we don't have anything to do with his mother any more, there are way more serious reasons for that, but that is a little more private. However, I will NEVER put my children with a person that could make a false accusation and have them taken away, so if my husband decides he wants to make amends with that woman that is on him, I will support him with that and only that ( I would prefer that not happen because of how much she lies and how manipulative she is). She will not, I repeat will NOT have a relationship with these children, she is not a good role model, never was, not for her own kids and not for ours. Never said she didn't love them, she does, but love isn't enough ever to be honest, especially when you have brought negative things upon yourself MORE than once. I am a mother, I need to protect my children, and that means keeping them away from anyone that may affect their stability and happiness. Her past makes it more than extremely doubtful she will pull some garbage again if given the chance, it is my responsibility to make sure she does not have the chance, and my husband fully agrees with me, especially since she is still acting all "buddy buddy" with the other junkie "mother". Still seems to be in denial about why we are not speaking, she clearly has not learned from her mistakes.
"The only mistake in life is the lesson not learned." Albert Einstein
Thursday, May 19, 2011
"Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother."
The above quote was made by someone I am sure you all are familiar with, Oprah Winfrey. Now, I don't think I have ever watched a full episode of hers ever in my life, but I must say that quote rings very true for my family, current and past.
I was adopted at a fairly young age, my biological mother couldn't get her own life under control let alone add an infant to it, which if you ask me, she should have thought about before getting sexually involved with someone without the proper precautions. Now I have never been perfect, nor have I acted in such a manner, but I learn from my mistakes (which she seems not to do). Nine (9) children later, she currently only has custody of one (1) of her children, excuse me if I sound doubtful but it's hard to erase 23 years of disappointment and heart break. My adoptive family, also far from perfect, may have been difficult at times, but hell, I wouldn't be where I am today without them and for that I am very grateful and I wouldn't change them for the world. My mother (adoptive) and I still to this day are very different people, making it very difficult to get along often resulting in arguments which are usually pointless, but I thank her for everything she has done for me and love her just the same. My father (the only one I have ever known, I don't know and most certainly don't care to know my biological father) is the most amazing man in my eyes, he's got it all, smart, funny, talented, patient, etc. I could go on for days about him. Growing up I had a great relationship with him, over time that relationship weakened due to tensions with my mother and I, but I cherish those times as a child with my Dad. Lots and lots of siblings, Eleven (11) in my adoptive family, seven (7) of which were adopted themselves. All of us are different in many ways, but I love them all as if we all biologically were related. I am and will always be very protective of them all...over protective at times I'm sure.
So, as you can see I understand and agree with Oprah Winfrey's quote:
This all brings me to where I am today, a full-time mother of two, a full-time wife, a full-time student, self-proclaimed complaint/motion/affidavit writer for my husbands (and my) case to do what is in our sons best interest (frequently going up against a "mother" who pretends to care but really continues these shenanigans to get back at my husband), etc. I am so many things! I think it is high time that laws about the best interests of children to be changed...."mother's" fuck up just as much as father's do but you don't see their rights being terminated as easily as a father's rights are terminated. I have NO tolerance for women (or men) who choose people, substances, jobs, anything over their children. OWN up to your responsibilities and do what is best for your child. In our case, the "mother" should leave all of us alone, she has NO relationship with our son, never has consistently tried to, nor does HE want to have anything to do with her ( he doesn't call her mom, I AM MAMA), she always (and I mean always) chooses heroin and other substances over "her" son, pretends she is sober when in reality she is just hiding the fact that she is not, blatantly disrespects and doesn't follow court orders, the sad thing is half the time this court system allows her to do all of that to Gino. If it was the father, and he did that, his rights would have already been terminated, and personally I think that it is absurd that hers have not been. My husband has full physical custody and shared legal custody of our son, and next week we will be fighting for Sole physical and Sole Legal custody. Eventually I will be filing a petition for adoption, but let me tell you no one caters to the middle class, we can not afford the absurd $30-50,000 lawyers would charge for a contested adoption case, so most likely we will be going about it on our own unless 50 grand pops up magically!
On our last court date two things were changed in our favor, the venue (which was 2+ hours away) and "mother's" visitation was terminated. I wish I could have screamed with pleasure, but I kept my composure. But let me tell you, when we told our son that he didn't have to have visits anymore he said "YES, WE WON!!! WE WON!!!! WE WON!!!!" while doing a little dance, honestly he came up with that on his own. He hated visits, which he stated every time he had a visit and every day after. We tried to be as positive about them (to him) as we could, but that made no difference. It broke our hearts every time we had to take him to a visit (which were "supervised" by her father), he would scream and cry, and latch onto our legs. You want an amazing child who is very bright, listens well, does what he is asked to DRASTICALLY change, make him have visits with a woman he doesn't like who has never been there for him, who TELLS him to call her Mummy and NOT to call me Mama....let's see how you would feel. Every time court roles around I get knots in my stomach and I feel anxiety attacks coming on because more often than not they side with the "mother". New judge, new beliefs. There is always a chance that they will allow her to do more damage to my kid.
I met my husband 3 years ago, 6 months of which he tried SO hard to get me to give him the time of day. I had just come out of a serious relationship that put me in a serious depressed/fuck men state of mind. He had a son (who was so flippin' cute) and lived with his mother, who seemed nice enough. I tried not to get involved, I really did, but with an adorable little boy who was in need of a mother type figure, and a man who was hilarious and very charismatic, it was only a matter of time before I stopped fighting to not talk to him. I am the first to say we started out the wrong way, but there is a reason for everything. He was an alcoholic, with a mother who was worse than he was with drinking, other substances and she was manipulation, a liar and a thief. He was trying to raise a little boy with no good parent figures in his life. But I knew that the man I know today was in there, through good and bad we worked things out, he now has 2 years sober (almost), a steady job (that extremely underpays him), a wife and two beautiful kids, and a life headed in the right direction. We had to lose a lot of people along the way to get to where we are today, some family and lots of friends, but in the end (well thus far at least) all of the difficult decisions have been worth it. Don't get me wrong, there were times I was about to say GOODBYE to him and all the baggage that he brought to the table. It's true, you can not change anyone, but they sure can change themselves if they want to and put their mind to it. My husband is the perfect example of that, and believe you me it was far from easy.
My days are packed with mother duties, while trying to make time for myself. This week I started the fitness program P90X, I had been going to the gym but their daycare is not up to my standards even for my two hour workouts. So I decided to go another route that I had heard a lot about and one of my close friends was trying as well! And let me tell you, I have not been this sore since I have birth to my 10 lb son (I am 5"1' 136 lbs, it was NOT an easy task) whose shoulders got stuck in the process. However, I am determined to stick to it, I want to be healthy, I am not over weight by any means and I am generally happy with my appearance, but I want to be able to keep up with my boys easily and get rid of my wrinkley belly button in the process! I have completed three (3) days of workouts so far, and I can barely walk down the stairs, it's pretty painful (no pain no gain they say) but not like "OH SHIT, I cut my finger off!" kind of pain, it's a good pain. I had a pretty serious knee injury in HS (tore my ACL in half) and had surgery on it, which ended up not fixing the injury in the long run. So, I am working with a bum knee with a serious daily work out regiment, but if a man can have a prosthetic leg and do the workouts, I have no excuse.
I plan on blogging my daily trials and tribulations, ups and downs, good and bad, triumphs and loses, you get the picture. I am new at the blogging game, but hope along the way to meet people with advice and a general interest in what I have to say.
I was adopted at a fairly young age, my biological mother couldn't get her own life under control let alone add an infant to it, which if you ask me, she should have thought about before getting sexually involved with someone without the proper precautions. Now I have never been perfect, nor have I acted in such a manner, but I learn from my mistakes (which she seems not to do). Nine (9) children later, she currently only has custody of one (1) of her children, excuse me if I sound doubtful but it's hard to erase 23 years of disappointment and heart break. My adoptive family, also far from perfect, may have been difficult at times, but hell, I wouldn't be where I am today without them and for that I am very grateful and I wouldn't change them for the world. My mother (adoptive) and I still to this day are very different people, making it very difficult to get along often resulting in arguments which are usually pointless, but I thank her for everything she has done for me and love her just the same. My father (the only one I have ever known, I don't know and most certainly don't care to know my biological father) is the most amazing man in my eyes, he's got it all, smart, funny, talented, patient, etc. I could go on for days about him. Growing up I had a great relationship with him, over time that relationship weakened due to tensions with my mother and I, but I cherish those times as a child with my Dad. Lots and lots of siblings, Eleven (11) in my adoptive family, seven (7) of which were adopted themselves. All of us are different in many ways, but I love them all as if we all biologically were related. I am and will always be very protective of them all...over protective at times I'm sure.
So, as you can see I understand and agree with Oprah Winfrey's quote:
"Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother."
This all brings me to where I am today, a full-time mother of two, a full-time wife, a full-time student, self-proclaimed complaint/motion/affidavit writer for my husbands (and my) case to do what is in our sons best interest (frequently going up against a "mother" who pretends to care but really continues these shenanigans to get back at my husband), etc. I am so many things! I think it is high time that laws about the best interests of children to be changed...."mother's" fuck up just as much as father's do but you don't see their rights being terminated as easily as a father's rights are terminated. I have NO tolerance for women (or men) who choose people, substances, jobs, anything over their children. OWN up to your responsibilities and do what is best for your child. In our case, the "mother" should leave all of us alone, she has NO relationship with our son, never has consistently tried to, nor does HE want to have anything to do with her ( he doesn't call her mom, I AM MAMA), she always (and I mean always) chooses heroin and other substances over "her" son, pretends she is sober when in reality she is just hiding the fact that she is not, blatantly disrespects and doesn't follow court orders, the sad thing is half the time this court system allows her to do all of that to Gino. If it was the father, and he did that, his rights would have already been terminated, and personally I think that it is absurd that hers have not been. My husband has full physical custody and shared legal custody of our son, and next week we will be fighting for Sole physical and Sole Legal custody. Eventually I will be filing a petition for adoption, but let me tell you no one caters to the middle class, we can not afford the absurd $30-50,000 lawyers would charge for a contested adoption case, so most likely we will be going about it on our own unless 50 grand pops up magically!
On our last court date two things were changed in our favor, the venue (which was 2+ hours away) and "mother's" visitation was terminated. I wish I could have screamed with pleasure, but I kept my composure. But let me tell you, when we told our son that he didn't have to have visits anymore he said "YES, WE WON!!! WE WON!!!! WE WON!!!!" while doing a little dance, honestly he came up with that on his own. He hated visits, which he stated every time he had a visit and every day after. We tried to be as positive about them (to him) as we could, but that made no difference. It broke our hearts every time we had to take him to a visit (which were "supervised" by her father), he would scream and cry, and latch onto our legs. You want an amazing child who is very bright, listens well, does what he is asked to DRASTICALLY change, make him have visits with a woman he doesn't like who has never been there for him, who TELLS him to call her Mummy and NOT to call me Mama....let's see how you would feel. Every time court roles around I get knots in my stomach and I feel anxiety attacks coming on because more often than not they side with the "mother". New judge, new beliefs. There is always a chance that they will allow her to do more damage to my kid.
I met my husband 3 years ago, 6 months of which he tried SO hard to get me to give him the time of day. I had just come out of a serious relationship that put me in a serious depressed/fuck men state of mind. He had a son (who was so flippin' cute) and lived with his mother, who seemed nice enough. I tried not to get involved, I really did, but with an adorable little boy who was in need of a mother type figure, and a man who was hilarious and very charismatic, it was only a matter of time before I stopped fighting to not talk to him. I am the first to say we started out the wrong way, but there is a reason for everything. He was an alcoholic, with a mother who was worse than he was with drinking, other substances and she was manipulation, a liar and a thief. He was trying to raise a little boy with no good parent figures in his life. But I knew that the man I know today was in there, through good and bad we worked things out, he now has 2 years sober (almost), a steady job (that extremely underpays him), a wife and two beautiful kids, and a life headed in the right direction. We had to lose a lot of people along the way to get to where we are today, some family and lots of friends, but in the end (well thus far at least) all of the difficult decisions have been worth it. Don't get me wrong, there were times I was about to say GOODBYE to him and all the baggage that he brought to the table. It's true, you can not change anyone, but they sure can change themselves if they want to and put their mind to it. My husband is the perfect example of that, and believe you me it was far from easy.
My days are packed with mother duties, while trying to make time for myself. This week I started the fitness program P90X, I had been going to the gym but their daycare is not up to my standards even for my two hour workouts. So I decided to go another route that I had heard a lot about and one of my close friends was trying as well! And let me tell you, I have not been this sore since I have birth to my 10 lb son (I am 5"1' 136 lbs, it was NOT an easy task) whose shoulders got stuck in the process. However, I am determined to stick to it, I want to be healthy, I am not over weight by any means and I am generally happy with my appearance, but I want to be able to keep up with my boys easily and get rid of my wrinkley belly button in the process! I have completed three (3) days of workouts so far, and I can barely walk down the stairs, it's pretty painful (no pain no gain they say) but not like "OH SHIT, I cut my finger off!" kind of pain, it's a good pain. I had a pretty serious knee injury in HS (tore my ACL in half) and had surgery on it, which ended up not fixing the injury in the long run. So, I am working with a bum knee with a serious daily work out regiment, but if a man can have a prosthetic leg and do the workouts, I have no excuse.
I plan on blogging my daily trials and tribulations, ups and downs, good and bad, triumphs and loses, you get the picture. I am new at the blogging game, but hope along the way to meet people with advice and a general interest in what I have to say.
"Any woman can give birth, but it takes a special person to be a real mother."
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