I believe in second chances...third and fourth even, sometimes it takes an extra chance or two to get things right...But five (5) years of chances is absurd! Yesterday, after I got back from a park trip with Deezy and a friend of mine, the doorbell rang and the USPS guy was unloading two huge packages (which I had expected because of the letter "mother" wrote to Maddox), these were XMAS presents that she didn't get to give to Gino because she had her own visitation rights terminated and lost her post-Xmas visit. Of course the boxes were letting of an intense smell of cigarette smoke in my non-smoking house-hold, that was #1 that irritated me. I let the boxes sit in the kitchen over night, I put a motion in to impound our address to make her think we moved so she wouldn't just show up at our house and throw a brick threw the window in the room where our son slept. But, unlike her, we don't lie in court so we can't very well say we moved, that would be lying under oath, we are planning on moving sometime soon however, so that is why we will say we are impounding our address. So this morning, I woke up, I can't return them to her she will bring it up in court, so I decided to check to see what she sent. Previously when she has actually given him something, it's been a pretend gun or something, we do not allow toy weapons in our house, so of course I will check. (I used to smoke a lot of cigarettes, that's not the part that annoys me, but I never smoked inside, it's gross and everything smells disgusting) Opening these boxes I was practically holding my breath, it smelled like old cigarettes. These things she is sending are going to a child, with severe asthma and I can barely open the box, that was #2 that irritated the crap out of me. While going through everything, just about all the clothes she sent were not his size and had characters he doesn't even watch anymore on them. Not only that but second hand, which is not usually a problem, but this woman rarely pays support and doesn't even get visits with the child, I think she should be able to splurge take some money out of her heroin habit and get the kid new stuff, not used. wrong sizes, characters he voices he doesn't like anymore, and old and that makes reason #3 why I was irritated. While looking through everything, there was cars things (which he still likes one thing she got right), She clearly has no interest in anything that could possibly help him gain any type of knowledge, books (which he loves and will pick OVER playing with toys hands down every time) are never something she sends him. Of course AGAIN there was a ton of this character (Thomas) who he grew out of 2 years ago, he stopped liking Thomas BEFORE the last time you gave him a whole bunch of Thomas videos (which he never watched, maybe he watched one once). She clearly has no idea what my kid likes, what his interests are or anything, I'm sure she never bothered to ask him anything like that when she was allowed visits. There was also a bunch of matchbox cars, that are beat up and used in a broken box from old cars sneakers (why she has a child's used shoe box is beyond me), he does have an interest in cars of any kind though because his father is an amazing mechanic. And a doll, which Gino has a huge thing against because he says "ew that's for girls" he is anti anything that would make him feel like he was playing with anything that had to do with a girl. If she was a good mother, sincerely cared about Gino, participated in all aspects of his life, etc. I would not have an issue, I DO however have a serious issue with a woman who has merely filed motions after motions in court to get visits, phone calls, etc. with a child and one awarded them didn't give a fuck anymore and shot up in her arm, neck, toe w.e again and thought it was alright. If she cared at all about him she would be actively involved in his life and would be doing what needed to be done to at least have visitation, instead she doesn't obey court orders and thinks she can get away with using. If she gave a crap about my kid, she would have asked him what he liked, I would put money down she doesn't know what his favorite color his, what his favorite character from cars is, That he can write his name or how he writes his name and writes MAMA on things addressed to me, I bet she doesn't know who his two favorite teachers are, how he acts when he is nervous, what his favorite books are, who his best friends are at school, who is school GF is or his grown up one, etc I could make the list go on and on. Never has she asked about his dental/mental/medical information, how he is doing in school...not a thing. She has merely attempted to get visits and when she was allowed she with out fail fucked up every time.
There is such thing as "child time" my mother always talked about it, it's completely right. In adult time, 5 years isn't a long time to wait for something or be introduced to something new, but try to ask a child to wait 5 years for something. How is it fair for her to ask Gino to wait for her and consider her mommy while she gets sober and gets her life under control (which most likely will never happen) when he has a loving and stable family right here. Would you tell your child he/she has to wait 5 years before they could get loved the way they were supposed to? This child has never had a relationship with her, even though she has been given ample opportunities to have a relationship with him. She is so naive to think that he ever draws her pictures or even wants to for that matter, naive to think that he ever misses her and "talks" to her, naive to think he thinks of her as anything more than the occasional toy here or there, there is no mutual love or respect between the two of them, just an obedience on Gino's part to eventually stop crying and do what he is told/forced to do when visits are occurring.
"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life..." Richard Bach
Last night, my husband was doing work on his best friends car and the kids, my best friend, my brother and I all tagged along. There is nothing like sitting around a table, (attempting) to eat food fresh off the grill, watching the kids run around together laughing and so intensely curious about what Daddy is doing. Granted, I was irritated about the damn packages sent earlier in the day and the fact "I only have to do a break job" turned into about 4 other things on the car (I am intense when it comes to planned things changing, I got that from my mother). Even with that, it's pretty much impossible to not love seeing my kids chasing each other and running, and so interested in what Daddy is doing. It was also nice to reminisce in childhood memories with my brother (who is currently living with us) and memories with my best friend. It's always (almost always) good to see my husband's best friend from HS he's good with the kids (he is Gino's godfather, pretty much Deezy's too) and probably the only friend of his I actually like, don't get me wrong he's done some stuff to irritate me (like call at 1:30 in the A.M to tell my husband his ex gf wanted his address, not so bright) but he's a good guy.
When you get pregnant and/or have children, you really learn who/what matters and who/what doesn't, you make new friends (usually who also have children) and occasionally one or two pre-kids friends stick around, but everything changes when you are a parent. It's a drastic change that I am completely alright with, and the weird thing is I could sit at home and hang out with my kids and that's it, be completely fine with it. It's hard to get bored when you have kids, there is always something to do (however, I would rather hang out with the kids then do the load of laundry in front of the machine). My interests and favorite things have changed from trumpet, hanging out with friends and have a few shots of whiskey (not on the rocks and not chilled) to watching my kids sleeping because they smile and laugh in their sleep,wondering what they are dreaming about, pretending I'm not watching the two of them while they play because I don't want the laughing to end, watching how my husband turns into a huge teddy bear when he is around our kids, and getting tears in my eyes every time I look at both Gino and Deezy and think how much they have grown.
Being a "mother" is easy, it's easy to be with child, but being a GOOD mother is a challenge that only a real woman can handle.
"Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist."
- Michael Levine
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